MamaBlogga

I don’t normally share my fiction on MamaBlogga, but today I’ll make an exception. I’m taking a free course in writing fiction just for fun. I did an activity today which asked me to make a character who thought and felt like I do but was different from me in some major way—big age difference, opposite gender or something like that. I’ve been thinking about being satisfied with the stage of life I’m in now and here is what I came up with:

The next stage of life

She was ready, she thought, to move on. Though she didn’t really know what the future would hold—and who of us can say that they do?—she had a reasonably good suspicion of the future that would await her.

And it would have to be better than this. This body that just couldn’t do what it used to. It didn’t even do what she wanted anymore. It was incapable of the simplest tasks. She had spent years caring for others—her children, her husband, her friends—with these hands and these legs and this mind, but now she couldn’t even take care of herself.

Would she miss her body? A body was supposed to be a blessing. It was supposed to be something that enabled you to do more than a spirit alone could. But now her body was more like a trap; a cage for her spirit.

If she could get to a mirror, she could see her unkempt, wiry white hair, her deeply wrinkled face, her stooped posture. How had she come to this? Surely this was not what life was supposed to give her. Surely this was not what God intended.

And yet she knew it was. Aging was a natural—vital, even—part of life. Sometimes, in weaker moments, she thought that the real reason behind growing old was to make you ready to leave this life by making you hate what was left of it.

Surely she would appreciate the next life more. Surely she wouldn’t miss anything about this phase of her life.

In her weaker moments, she worried that her lack of contentment in this difficult phase of her life would plague her in the next.

That was the only thing that she feared in death.

I wonder if that’s how I’ll feel at the end of my life if I haven’t learned to be satisfied with my season in life by then. Every season has its drawbacks and the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. How can we learn to focus on our own grass and notice its beauty, rather than dreaming about the grass we’ll grow next year or the sod we hope to buy soon?

I’m not, in general, a bad mother. But I’m also not always the best mother that I can be. I’ve found that these three things, when I do them, make me a better mother:

1. Focus. By focus, I mean that I focus on Hayden. I really find that I enjoy my son and motherhood in general a lot more when I stop trying to get so much else done. Yes, I have to keep the house clean and my family fed, but when I spend most of my time just caring for and playing with Hayden, we both have a better day (even when the sink’s full of dishes).

2. Patience. I’m really, really working on this one because I’m not usually a patient person (especially not with family members, as sad as that is). The funny thing about patience is, of course, that even once you’ve become more patient, you get to “work” on it your whole life. It’s not like you just magically wave a wand and nothing ever upsets you again—even if it’s less frequent (which is what I’m striving toward now), our patience isn’t always perfect in this life.

3. Faith. This is in many ways interrelated with #2, because I’m using my faith to try to improve my patience. But my faith affects more of my parenting than that. It does give a long list of principles and lessons that I’m responsible for teaching my children, but it also provides me with sustaining power. I’ve had mornings where I can’t get out of bed because I’m exhausted and Hayden wakes up an hour and a half earlier than normal, and the only way I ever get out of bed on those days is after fervent prayer.

I’m far from perfect—and honestly, I know I won’t become perfect in this life, and certainly not by my own power—but when I do these three things, I enjoy motherhood more and I feel as though I’m a better mother!

What attributes or skills make you feel like a better mother?

This post is part of Mommy Zabs’ group writing project. The late part.

Whether you want to show your own mother, the mother of your children, or just a good friend how much you appreciate what she does as a mother, first of all, let me thank you! Moms everywhere could use more appreciation.

Here seven ideas on how to show the mother in your life that you appreciate her:

1. Write her a thank you note or letter. Be as specific as possible. (Need some ideas? Check out the twenty-nine great entries for the “Thanks, Mom” Group Writing Project!)
2. Give her some time off. Offer to babysit her children, or arrange for someone you both trust to watch her (or both of your) children and take her out!
3. Get her a thoughtful gift. Something that she likes is best: however she likes to treat herself. Whether that’s chocolates or a bubble bath. Be sure to include a note telling her to take some time to enjoy herself!
4. Get her a pretty gift. For the last few years at Christmas, I’ve given my husband a gift list which always ends with “Something to make me feel beautiful.” For some women, this is jewelry, or make up, or nice clothing. For others, it could be a nicely framed picture of her that looks particularly attractive. For others, it could be pampering at home or at a spa.
5. Tell her what a good job she’s doing. Even the most confident of mothers sometimes struggles with feelings of inadequacy. Those reassuring words can echo back to her the next time she doubts her abilities as a mother.
6. Pray for her. If you’re religious, you understand what a strengthening effect a prayer of faith can have. Studies have even shown that people who were sick recovered more quickly when people prayed for them—even if they didn’t know they were praying. Imagine what it could do for your favorite mother!
7. Just say it. Tell her, “Jeanette, I think it’s great that you’re a mom. A mother’s work is so important, and I’m glad that you’re involved in your kids lives that way.”

Now it’s your turn: what’s the best way for your spouse, kids or friends to show you that they appreciate what you do as a mother?

(PS: I hope all of your spouses, parents, neighbors and friends type that question into the search engine of their choice and end up here!)

Wow, ladies. I’m very impressed! I threw out what I thought was a very “angsty” post—which I thought could be (and would be) easily dismissed. But many of you took the time to write thoughtful, heartfelt and most of all helpful answers. Would I be presumptuous to say that they were written with concern, compassion and sympathy?

I’m just so impressed that I wanted to highlight many of the responses here. Now, I know that not everyone has struggled with feeling dissatisfied, burdened, inconvenienced or whatever you want to call it, but I was very relieved to have my suspicions confirmed—I’m not alone.

I acknowledged in my post that adjusting my expectations was one way of trying to deal with this. (Although I’m not very good at that all the time.) Robin had further advice: go specifically to kid-friendly places. As silly as this may sound, I actually usually do try to struggle through dinner in a sit-down restaurant with Hayden (on the infrequent occasions that we actually go out). I have learned through sad experience that this is a recipe for disaster. Robin points out the importance of lots of entertaining toys for tots in public. Let me add that you can never have enough toys. And nothing you offer a child who has developed a taste for soda will satisfy his desire until you share with him.

Madame M points out that realizing the importance of spending time with your children is another way to appreciate it more. She’s absolutely right. In ten years, are you going to remember snuggling with your children or that episode of CSI:? And what will they remember? Perspective doesn’t always make things easier, but it can make the right choice more obvious.

Lindsey, my friend of whom I was jealous, says that it’s important to remember—and even okay to acknowledge—that we, as moms, have needs and desires, too. That’s a problem that I deal with in this area, too. I get so tired of subjugating my needs to his—sometimes I just want to take a shower or read or knit or eat in peace. Eating, sleeping: pretty basic needs, I think. I’ve been known to think, “Okay, Hayden, you win. You win. You win—again. I am nothing; my physical needs mean nothing; you win. I am broken. Again.” (That was especially common when he was a year old and still not sleeping through the night.) It sounds pretty psycho in the light of day, but I still remember very keenly that feeling. I’m a mother now, but I still have wants and I still have needs—and thank you, Lindsey, for reminding me that it’s okay to recognize that!

Julie felt like she was going out on a limb to say that she just found it easier to parent older children. Lucy agreed with her. Even with my limited experience, I believe that there are certainly easier ages to parent (and those ages are due to personality and personal preferences for the parents and the children alike). I know some men who feel like they’re all thumbs around newborns (and go so far as to tell their friends that they don’t really like babies!). As much as I loved Hayden, I found the newborn/zero feedback/blob stage very challenging. He is so entertaining these days (he was a total ham for my extended family at dinner last night!)—and by the same token, so exhausting. He really is a good kid, though.

Bellevelma—yes, it does help to hear that time will help. I’ve got nothing but time. In fact, I think that was a prevailing theme throughout most of the comments: Robin and Bellevelma both said it outright, and I think that time is also a factor in being able to better parent older children, like Julie and Lucy said. There are two things that change with time: us and our children. Our children grow and mature and suddenly become more manageable (we all hope!) and presentable in public. We also grow and mature and earn more hard-won patience and parenting skills. Kinda cool how that works.

Offline, my mother also suggested reading scriptures about charity to help build my patience. (I tried reading scriptures about patience; it made me impatient :\ .) I really believe that being a mother is God’s will for me (and for most women), and that I’m doing the right thing by dedicating my life to my children, as hard as it is. In fact, I’ve come to believe that a major reason why we’re supposed to have children is because this life is the time for us to learn to be humble, to cease to be selfish, to soften our hearts, to give up our will for that of God—and I really feel that having children can teach me that, if I let it.

Thank you for all your responses. Really, you helped to lift my spirits.

Today’s post is from a friend of mine. She posted it on Facebook this week and with her permission, I’m reposting it here today.

For some strange reason I don’t seem to get this thought ingrained in my brain. Or maybe it’s just stronger every time I realize it. I don’t know for sure, but I do know that motherhood continues to surprise me with its fulfillment.

Never in my life (which has been somewhat short but very full) has anything been as fulfilling as motherhood. I don’t know why that keeps surprising me. I’ve grown up knowing that this would be the best thing I could do with my life. And yet, the ins and outs of it surprise me daily. Never have I been so challenged, learned so much, or been so happy as I am as a mother.

I’m not sure I would have believed someone telling me that my heart would practically burst with happiness when my son sings songs with me or when I hear his guttural laugh as I poke his little tummy. How does something so simple give me so much joy??

Why do some people bag on parenthood so much? Do they know what they’re missing? Or have I somehow tapped into something rare??

I don’t know, but whatever it is I love it! God sure did know what He was doing when He made His plan for us. I suppose that goes without saying.

What do you think? Is her fulfillment in motherhood rare?

Speaking for myself, I know there are many days when I don’t really feel fulfilled as a mother. And honestly, I think much of the time it’s because I get bogged down in the minutiae and the work. The two examples my friend gives here, both of enjoying time with her son, are examples of the type of times when I feel most fulfilled—when I take a step back and just let myself enjoy the moment, without stressing about the vacuuming or the blogging.

I can also see clear ways that I can improve in this area (by worrying less about those other areas!). What do you think we can do to help ourselves feel fulfilled and enjoy time with our children more?

So I’ve been tagged by Laura at OpinionMom to share 5 things I dig love about Jesus. I’ve been obsessing over this list because I want to get the ‘right’ five (as if my salvation or yours depends on this!). But since it doesn’t, I’ll just go with the first five that come to my mind and heart.

1. He has graven me upon the palms of His hands; my walls are continually before Him (Isa. 49:16).
2. I can do all things through Christ and then enabling power of His atonement—and more than once this week, I’ve had to pray just to make it out of bed in the morning.
3. He was tempted in all points like as I am—He knows what I’m going through (but, y’know, without the whole sinning part; Heb 4:15).
4. He is the great mediator, the intercessor, the only one who can reconcile my soul with God’s justice.
5. He is the light, the life and the way, the perfect exemplar.

So, there are some rules about tagging five more people, but I’m not always sure that my blogging friends want to discuss their beliefs (and not every personal blog is the right forum for that kind of discussion).  Instead, feel free to share your five things (or one thing) in the comments or in your own post (just let me know about it).

Thanks!