And for most of these situations, I would have had to cross the room to point out their children’s abuse of my son, when they were considerably closer. Is that Christ-like or is it publicly humiliating?

Anyways, I just wanted to mention this. I know how easy it is to judge other people’s lack of parenting. However the more Christ-like way would be to offer to help the mother by saying something like, “I’m noticing that your little one is doing x, would you like me to help him?” Just a thought.

Thank you again!

I think my kids are getting there, though. And what I mean to say is, I think *I’m* getting there. But I have to say I was the zoning mom for the first few years of my parenting. I was the parent who smiled benignly at my ill-behaved children while other moms glared and had to handle the situation for me.

Why?

A couple of reasons. First, no one taught me the rules of parenting. No one taught me the rules of toddler social skills or how to impart them. No one explained to me what’s okay and what’s not okay.

Secondly, I was just plain embarrassed. I thought I couldn’t handle my children. My children handled me. And I was ashamed of that. I dealt with my shame by hiding, by avoiding, by doing nothing. And I was constantly aware of moms around me judging my (lack of) parenting and scorning my (actually innocent) children, who weren’t deliberately vindictive. Just ignorant.

Then a dear friend of mine who had been a long-time daycare worker came for a four-day visit. Oh, how she clenched her jaw. Her tongue was as raw as hamburger because she bit it so hard. She didn’t feel it was her place to interfere, and she wanted to encourage and honor my efforts.

But behind my shame, behind my doing nothing, behind my lack of toddler skill, I wanted so badly to change. I wanted my kids to stop embarrassing me in the pediatric waiting room. I wanted more than anything for them to grow up well-liked in society. I wanted the more savvy moms with better-behaved kids to see me as an equal rather than as an opponent. I longed desperately for that. I just didn’t know how to get there.

So I asked my friend for help. After two days of observing my floundering efforts, she gladly agreed. Then, with all the angelic presence of the Super Nanny, she swooped in and changed everything. Most importantly, she changed my mind.

She explained to me that I was the boss of my children, and that it was okay for me to boss them. She showed me how my kids wer manipulating me and gave me tools to put a stop to it. She dragged us all to the zoo so we’d have a public place to practice, where for the first time, despite my great trepidation, I was firm with my son in public. And then she showed me how to respond when he, not appreciating my efforts at all, hit me.

Most importantly, she helped me to understand that leaving my children to their own devices not only made life difficult for everyone else, but it was a diservice to my children, who needed to learn what I knew was right, and what was my responsibility to teach them.

After my friend’s visit, everything changed. It took a while, but I am now much more comfortable in my Mommy Skin, whether in public or private.

But when I see rude children with inattentive moms, or when I see neglected children with zoning moms, I don’t feel angry toward them. My eyes fill with tears because I’ve been where they are. I want to hug them. I want to cry with them. I want to give them the glorious good news that there’s a better way. I want to help.

Yes, their parenting skills are deplorable. Yes, their inaction is inexcusible. But I bet underneath all of that, their hearts are breaking, just like mine was.

http://thesurrenderedscribe.blogspot.com/2007/10/im-only-human-my-circle-of-hell.html