I’m not the boss of you
To be a mom is often to be bossy. “Don’t touch that!”, “Don’t eat that!”, “Don’t hit her!” and, of course, “Because I said so” are among my most common phrases during the day.
So I wonder if maybe sometimes we forget that we’re not the boss of everyone—especially other mothers.
Being a stay-at-home mom isn’t easy. True, some mothers love it and thrive in this role and truly find themselves in being a mother. But there are at least as many of us who don’t—those of us who stay at home because we believe that being with our children is paramount, that raising them ourselves is the most important, noble role that we could have, even if it’s very hard for us (and/or those of us who don’t care to work just to cover the cost of daycare).
But so many times, if we dare to mention any measure of dissatisfaction with the day-in day-out diaper and dinner duty, there’s someone around to tell us how horrible we must be. How we’re obviously doing something wrong. I get this on the blog a lot, most often in the vein of “Oh, if you hate being trapped at home so much, quit whining and liberate yourself. Go get a job and start contributing to society already.”
Okay, so it’s usually not said with a dismissive attitude. In fact, the commenter usually sounds like they really think they’re trying to be helpful. But the dismissiveness is there—they’re automatically dismissing my deep belief that being with my children is the most important thing I can do in my life, even if it’s hard/boring/overwhelming. If it isn’t making me happy right this minute, it must be wrong for me. Or I’m doing something wrong. And I couldn’t possibly have chosen something that I find this hard.
I know I’m not the only one who gets this “helpful” advice. On the blog A Number of Things, Erin faces the same kind of judgments:
As usual when I bring up my dissatisfaction with being solely a Stay-At-Home-Mom, I get a variety of responses, from encouragement to pursue a career and fulfill my own dreams at whatever cost to the polar opposite philosophy that a Christian woman has no business doing anything outside the home at all and ought to be happy and content filling her role as a wife and mother.
Can we just face it? Neither of these responses is helpful. Neither is constructive. Both are dismissive: the first we already discussed, and the second dismisses our sincere struggles (and insults the depths of our religious convictions).
This is what I want to do with this blog: I want to be able to validate SAHMs that struggle. I want to remind them that this is an important, worthwhile, contributing-to-society work—and as such, yes, it is hard. Sometimes gut-wrenchingly, mind-numbingly difficult. And it’s okay to acknowledge that. It doesn’t reflect poorly on you or your children.
At the same time, I don’t want to place guilt on mothers who have to or choose to work outside the home. We can all struggle with balance and fulfillment, and we all need that help. We have to support each other—and judging each others’ choices is counterproductive.
What do you think? How can we support one another? What kind of forum (an online forum, a blog, a Facebook group, etc.) would be the best way to gather mothers for support without judgment?
Photo credits: finger wagging—Teresia; support—Dimitris Papazimouris
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Amen. Sadly, I don’t think it’s possible to have any kind of forum online where the judgemental would not deem it their duty to ruin all other members’ days. Unless there’s some way to make it an invitation only forum where you can block out the unsupportive people. Invitation only things, also make it hard for those who happen across it to get involved, though. This blog is about as good as it gets, even better if one doesn’t read the comments section and stumble across the unhelpful comments. Maybe a facebook group is the way to go since more people can participate; but can those be moderated?
October 1st, 2009 at 3:51 pmAll I really have to say is that EVERY JOB will have its pros and cons. If I were to complain about something that I found unfulfilling at work, or that I found to be difficult with my job, would those same people be dismissive of me and tell me that I should just quit my job and go another route? I highly doubt that!! Just because we vocalize a struggle in one aspect of our lives doesn’t mean that we’re asking it to change. To tell you the truth, how can someone assume that if one sometimes complains about being a SAHM that it means this is not pursuing their dream? I mean, just because one person didn’t get a masters degree doesn’t mean that they really want to go get one instead of staying at home with the children. Just because one person feels that having an occupation where you get paid to work your tail off is a rewarding a fulfilling way to “contribute to society,” that doesn’t mean that it will be rewarding and fulfilling for everyone else out there.
Sorry, I don’t mean to go on a rant here, but being a SAHM is a personal decision for each and every family. There are so many factors that need to be considered, and no one outside that family unit will be able to make that decision for them, nor will they be able to make a better judgement for that family than they can. Some people may honestly be trying to help, but they still need to think about the ramifications of what they say and do…their actions still have long lasting effects.
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:44 pmSo true, Kat and Lindsey.
(And yes, Kat, I do think that if you complained about your job, some people would tell you to quit and get a better one, even in this economy. And if you complained about your husband, they’d tell you to get a new one. It’s the throw-away society we live in, I think.)
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:39 pmI agree with Jordan’s follow up comment to Kat’s. I think it is the “me” monster coming out. Self fulfillment being paramount at the expense of ALL else. If your employer isn’t meeting your needs? Quit. If your spouse isn’t meeting your needs? Divorce. If your children aren’t meeting your needs? Daycare. (that isn’t to say that there aren’t situations that MERIT all of the above– I don’t want to sound like anyone who quits their job, files for divorce, or puts their kids in daycare is inherently a selfish person)… BUT… There is a trend in our society to be concerned about IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION for SELF rather than considering others or impact of massive consumption instead of ‘budgeting’ personal desires. Sacrifice in general seems to be out of vogue in many ways.
October 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 amI just recently wrote a post about my bumpy start as a stay at home mom. My kids are now 10 and 6 – so we are beyond that really tough (and really wonderful) stage.
The last few years I have done a lot of personal growth & leadership and learned a lot about how my thoughts make a huge difference to how I’m feeling. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have believed it when the kids were really small and I didn’t have much support and just getting a good nights sleep was heaven! I guess that is why they say the teacher appears when the student is ready. Blessings to you on your journey!
October 13th, 2009 at 9:40 pm