I figure we’re all familiar with the phrase “man up.” Wikitionary gives a good definition: “to ‘be a man about it’; to do the things a good man is traditionally expected to do, such as: taking responsibility for the consequences of one’s actions; displaying bravery or toughness in the face of adversity; providing for one’s family, etc.”

I wonder what the woman’s equivalent might be. I’ve been pondering this since I heard it six months ago:

Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.

—Eliza R. Snow, as quoted in “And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit“

What do you think? Is it time to “woman up”?

Photo by Ronn “Blue” Aldaman

Today we’ll get to look at his thoughts on what children can do to show their support for their mothers. As he warned us, some of these answers are very obvious, but I’ll bet that most of our children could use the reminder. Plus, having this come from a source other than their mother is always nice reinforcement.

The third question: What can children, even young children, do? Now, you children, please listen to me because there are some simple things you can do to help your mother.

You can pick up your toys when you are finished playing with them, and when you get a little older, you can make your bed, help with the dishes, and do other chores—without being asked.

You can say thank you more often when you finish a nice meal, when a story is read to you at bedtime, or when clean clothes are put in your drawers.

Most of all, you can put your arms around your mother often and tell her you love her.

And that moment, especially when it comes unbidden and at a time when our children might not know that we need it, is one of the simple joys of motherhood.

Elder Ballard’s final question is what our church can do for mothers. I figure that most of my readers aren’t actually members of our church, but if you’re interested in his answer, feel free to read the conclusion of his talk, “Daughters of God.”

Today we’ll look at what husbands can do to better support their wives. Sadly, these answers are not as extensive as the answers to the previous question, but they’re still invaluable.

The second question: What more can a husband do to support his wife, the mother of their children?

I know you’re all looking forward to these answers perhaps even moreso than you did the answers to his last question. (And you’re probably thinking, Couldn’t you have done this before Mother’s Day?)

First, show extra appreciation and give more validation for what your wife does every day. Notice things and say thank you—often. Schedule some evenings together, just the two of you.

Date night! Date night! And no, watching television together after the kids go to bed doesn’t count.

Second, have a regular time to talk with your wife about each child’s needs and what you can do to help.

This shows us that you notice things happening in our family and specifically the problems and needs each of our children have. It shows us that we’re not the only ones who see and care about our children. It shows us that you take your role as a father, an equal partner in raising our children, seriously. We like it .

Third, give your wife a “day away” now and then. Just take over the household and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. Taking over for a while will greatly enhance your appreciation of what your wife does. You may do a lot of lifting, twisting, and bending!

Couldn’t say it better!

Fourth, come home from work and take an active role with your family. Don’t put work, friends, or sports ahead of listening to, playing with, and teaching your children.

I remember an old column by advice columnist Carolyn Hax where, essentially, a man wrote in asking how to help his wife or girlfriend understand why he needed to go to a bar after work for a couple hours to decompress or escape before coming home. Naturally, his SO felt neglected and like he was trying to escape from their family. Carolyn basically asked him what was so terrible at home that he couldn’t stand to go there straight after work (and this underlying issue was what really needed to be addressed). This is how it can make us feel if you consistently put these other activities ahead of us.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a job, friends or other interests. But it does mean your family deserves at least the same amount of demonstrated attention and devotion that your other interests receive.

Doing these four things really isn’t asking much of husbands (I think). But they can mean a lot to us as wives and mothers. Any other suggestions?

Next time: What can our kids do?

As a Church, we have enormous respect and gratitude to you mothers of young children. We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve. So today, let me ask and briefly answer four questions. While my answers may seem extremely simple, if the simple things are being tended to, a mother’s life can be most rewarding.

I’m very encouraged by the thought he ends with in this paragraph. So often when I think, talk and blog about fulfillment in motherhood, it seems like such a large, daunting, nebulous concept that I may not ever find it myself, let alone find myself adequate to help others.

But if we focus on the simple things, make sure we have a few basics, how much better and easier might our lives be? Let’s take a look at the first of his basic questions, which has several answers of its own:

The first question: What can you do, as a young mother, to reduce the pressure and enjoy your family more?

First, recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.

We talked about this a bit last time, when we recognized that motherhood isn’t easy—but that those little moments really do stand out and can make such a difference in a day.

Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).

I’ve talked about this several times, probably best for another GWP entry, Motherhood isn’t, where I concluded: “Motherhood is not, at its heart, about doing. Motherhood is about being. Because motherhood isn’t just something you do; it’s who you are.” Apparently, I’m in good company!

Second, don’t overschedule yourselves or your children. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows. One mother told me of a time that her children had 29 scheduled commitments every week: music lessons, Scouts, dance, Little League, day camps, soccer, art, and so forth. She felt like a taxi driver. Finally, she called a family meeting and announced, “Something has to go; we have no time to ourselves and no time for each other.” Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together.

One of these opportunities for unstructured (or semistructured) time together is a program we have in the church called Family Home Evening. Monday nights, families gather for a lesson and activities. (We’re not the best at doing this.)

Another wonderful opportunity for this time together is meal time. If you don’t eat together at least once or twice a week, I’d recommend taking a look at your schedules like the mom Elder Ballard mentions. Growing up, my family had a set time for dinner and just about every night of the week, all four daughters and both parents were there (and at various times we had Girl Scouts, dance, church youth group, church children’s group, soccer, piano lessons, violin lessons, orchestra . . . you get the idea).

Why is this time so great? If you can’t cook, don’t worry—it’s not about the food. It’s about spending time with one another, finding out what’s going on in one another’s lives, showing interest, support and love for one another.

If conversation doesn’t come easily, I suggest one of my family’s institutions (which I think began when we were sullen teenagers . We went around the table and each person in the family shared one good thing that had happened to them that day. If absolutely nothing good happened, they could share one bad thing.

(In our family, these things were answered with specific, set cheers from the rest of the family: “Good for you!”, “Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha, oh boy, oh boy”, “Better than crackers”, and a cheerleading-style clap-clap-number 1! Totally awesome things got all four in succession.)

Anyway.

Third, even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children. Avoid any kind of substance abuse, mistakenly thinking that it will help you accomplish more. And don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet. Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it.

Oh. Crap. Surfing the Internet. Tell me reading and commenting on MamaBlogga (and me commenting on your blogs!) replenishes your well. Please? (But SOOO guilty on that count!)

Fourth, pray, study, and teach the gospel. Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother. Parents can offer a unique and wonderful kind of prayer because they are praying to the Eternal Parent of us all. There is great power in a prayer that essentially says, “We are steward-parents over Thy children, Father; please help us to raise them as Thou wouldst want them raised.”

Another strength that I find in religious devotion is some of the doctrines that we’ve already talked about in this series: that motherhood is a vital part of God’s eternal plan for our happiness.

Next time: What can a husband do to support his wife, the mother of his children? (Now I know you’re waiting with bated breath!)

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part- or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.

Today, I think all mothers feel a lot of pressure to be perfect. We’re encouraged—conditioned, even—to believe that we can have it all, and we have to have it all NOW. We have to be perfect executives and liberated women; we have to be perfect mothers and homemakers; we have to take our children to seventeen hundred and fifty-three soccer games or they’ll be in therapy for fifteen years.

And once we’ve finally found a balance and (hopefully) mothers who are in similar situations, it becomes so easy to look at other mothers with different balances and different solutions and judge them. I’ve been on both ends of this and it’s so easy to forget what Elder Ballard ends on here: “What matters is that a mothers loves her children deeply and . . . prioritizes them above all else.”

I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes.

Ironically, this talk was delivered on the same day that I designated to post for our last GWP, “Savoring the seasons,” when I hit on his first point here: we have to savor the seasons of motherhood. I said then that “when I look back at his short life, my chief regret is not enjoying him more, even during the difficult times.”

My mother expressed a similar sentiment recently when she said “If I could do anything over again, I would worry less about things that really didn’t matter, and just enjoy the wonders of childhood with my girls. I would be more patient, more loving, more generous. I would discipline with more understanding and love. I would read more stories and more scriptures to you. I would just enjoy the very fleeting moments I had with my girls.”

Like Elder Ballard, I’m impressed by mothers who can “live in the moment” with their children, appreciating the joys of each phase of their lives. All phases have difficult times, but focusing on these simple pleasures can help us through the difficult times, too.

Elder Ballard continues:

This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being. In the words of the proclamation on the family, “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult. Through my own four-generation experience in our family, and through discussions with mothers of young children throughout the Church, I know something of a mother’s emotions that accompany her commitment to be at home with young children. There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. Sometimes even husbands seem to have no idea of the demands upon their wives.

Although I still feel like he doesn’t know all that from personal, excruciating, daily experience, Elder Ballard really captures the range of emotions that I’ve felt through motherhood, from the highs to the lows. Sometimes it seems like we’re expected to act as though there aren’t any lows, as if motherhood is always peaches, cream and joy—and should we ever admit that it’s hard, we must not love our children enough.

Guess what: it’s hard. I still love Hayden, but becoming a mother when he was born is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was giving my life and my soul to God and to my family, and sometimes it’s still a struggle. The days with grumpiness, whining and tantrums are sometimes really crappy. (Ooh, I said crappy.) I still love him, and there are almost always one or two sweet, loving moments, even in the worst of days.

And the worst of days sometimes have little to do with whether or not he behaves—they’re the days when I wake up and know I won’t be able to entertain and feed him the whole day. They’re the days when even eight episodes of Blue’s Clues later, it’s still three hours until nap time and I can’t think of anything for lunch, let alone fathom a way to get through the next eternity without more televisionsitting. They are the days when I’m bored, unstimulated and left wondering if there isn’t more for me out there.

But y’know, I really don’t think there is. I think that any regular, 9-to-5 job has similar moments of boredom and frustration, the same feeling of running in place, the same monotony. And while 9-to-5s come with paychecks (and sometimes recognition) (and adult conversation, usually), somehow, I don’t think that in the long run, I’ll look back and think “Oh, if only I’d had a ‘real’ job back then.”

Back to Elder Ballard for just a minute:

As a Church, we have enormous respect and gratitude to you mothers of young children. We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve.

Hurray! This is what I want for mothers, too, and this is what I’m trying to do here with this talk and with MamaBlogga.

Keep tuned: we’ll look at his suggestions for finding that validation and support—and fostering it in your own home—in the coming days!

The original talk was given by Elder M. Russell Ballard and is entitled “Daughters of God.”

Brothers and sisters, recently my wife, Barbara, had back surgery and could not lift, twist, or bend. Consequently, I have done more lifting, twisting, and bending than ever before—and it has made me more appreciative of what women, and especially you mothers, do every day in our homes.

While women live in homes under many different circumstances—married, single, widowed, or divorced, some with children and some without—all are beloved of God, and He has a plan for His righteous daughters to receive the highest blessings of eternity.

This afternoon I want to focus my remarks primarily on mothers, particularly on young mothers.

As a young father, I learned the demanding role of motherhood. I served as a counselor and then as bishop for a period of 10 years. During that time we were blessed with six of our seven children. Barbara was often worn-out by the time I got home Sunday evening. She tried to explain what it was like to sit on the back row in sacrament meeting with our young family. Then the day came that I was released. After sitting on the stand for 10 years, I was now sitting with my family on the back row.

The ward’s singing mothers’ chorus was providing the music, and I found myself sitting alone with our six children. I have never been so busy in my whole life. I had the hand puppets going on both hands, and that wasn’t working too well. The Cheerios got away from me, and that was embarrassing. The coloring books didn’t seem to entertain as well as they should.

As I struggled with the children through the meeting, I looked up at Barbara, and she was watching me and smiling. I learned for myself to more fully appreciate what all of you dear mothers do so well and so faithfully!

I love this story and the ministory he tells in the first paragraph because this is always what I think of when I ask how we can help our husbands appreciate what we do: let them try it.

Let them spend two hours putting the two-year-old down for a nap. Let them get up with the baby all night long. Let them wait up for the teenager and deliver the lecture. Let them work on raising obedient, good, clean, productive, responsible human beings day in and day out and let us come home and wonder “What do you do all day? Do you just play with them all day long?” And let them smile and say “Yes.”

It ain’t easy, and sometimes the only way we can truly gain appreciation for that fact is a full-blown demonstration.

A generation later, as a grandfather, I have watched the sacrifices my daughters have made in rearing their children. And now, still another generation later, I am watching with awe the pressures on my granddaughters as they guide their children in this busy and demanding world.

After observing and empathizing with three generations of mothers and thinking of my own dear mother, I surely know that there is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.

Why is motherhood so essential? Following this week’s holiday, I hope the answer is obvious: where would most of us be without our mothers? And where would our children be without us?

Mothers guide and lead their children to become, as I said before, obedient, good, clean, productive, responsible human beings. It would be so easy to just let them do whatever—to not discipline and instill a sense of right and wrong, morality, ethics, etc. Because even today, even though many (most, even) of us work full- or part-time, in or outside of the home, mothers are still fundamentally responsible for the rearing of their children.

But I probably don’t need to convince most of you of the importance of motherhood. As easy as it is to lose sight of the importance of our efforts in the mundane minutiae, I think most mothers understand how vital and influential they can be. But I don’t want to speak for your when you’re here and can speak for yourselves—do you feel how important motherhood is, at least from time to time?

Happy Mother’s Day! I got beautiful flowers, delicious chocolates and breakfast, dinner and dessert made for me.

I hope all of your Mother’s days have been good; feel free to share how your family celebrated!

Here is the talk I’m giving today in church. (Guess how long it took me to say all this, plus a little extra I added as I spoke.)

And to be a mother is hard. I had no idea how hard it would be before I had Hayden. I don’t remember receiving that warning from anyone. On the other hand, I had some idea how difficult it would be to be a mother in today’s society.

Today’s society sends women mixed messages about motherhood. On the one hand, there is a lot of pressure to have children. On the other hand, there is also a lot of pressure to “do more” with your life. We’re told that we should leave our young children at home because the only way for us to feel “fulfilled” is to receive promotions, praise and paychecks in the labor force. We’re told that it’s impossible to live on one income these days by a society that makes more money than ever before—and incurs more debt. One recent book, which I’m told was very well researched, says that it’s actually better for children, specifically daughters, for mothers to go back into the workplace.

Mothers today are told that we can have it all at once, and that we need to have it all right now. In the world of instant gratification, you must be a mom, a career woman, a good wife and your own person all at once. The world of instant gratification offers little gratification at all.

Unfortunately, to our society, motherhood doesn’t offer much gratification, either. Sometimes, it’s very easy to believe the messages that we hear from the world. After all, we don’t get recognition for changing dirty diapers, buckling seat belts and scrubbing dishes. We don’t get pay, appreciation or prizes in the line of duty. If we give up a job or career to become a mother, we may even receive ridicule and derision.

I’m not immune to the pressures of the world. When I first became a mother, I was simultaneously over- and underwhelmed. I felt like I was going to die—literally, I would be physically incapable of making it through the oft-interrupted night. On the other hand, I had a lot of down time. While Hayden woke up several times a night, he also slept several hours a day and I just couldn’t make myself slow down enough to sleep that much. I felt like I should be “doing more” with my life—and not just because I had some free time. (As if being a mother weren’t enough!)

Sheri Dew reminds us who is the author of the messages the world sends us:

It’s no wonder that Satan has declared war on motherhood. He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail. When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. (Sept 2001 General Relief Society Meeting)

We can’t let the world dictate our worth. The fullness of the restored gospel teaches us the truth about parenthood: it is central to God’s eternal plan. J. Reuben Clark, then a counselor speaking for the First Presidency, wrote, “Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind.” The Relief Society Declaration proudly proclaims that “We are beloved spirit daughters of God, and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction. . . . We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who . . . Find nobility in motherhood.”

I think that not only the importance of the work mothers do but the sacrifices and service that motherhood entails, while challenging, are what makes this calling the highest and holiest service.

President David O. McKay said,

She who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose influence will be felt through generations to come, deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God. In her high duty and service to humanity . . . , she is co-partner with the Creator himself. (Gospel Ideals, 453-454)

We are co-partners with the Creator himself as we raise up children unto the Lord. Jane Clayson Johnson describes a moment when she received a confirmation of this statement: “The feeling came over me so strongly that as a mother, the Lord needed me” (I Am a Mother, 16). Just as the Lord needs us to serve one another here on the earth, He needs us to raise our children in righteousness.

Motherhood is central to God’s eternal plan for his children. As a new mother, I found reassurance in knowing that, even if I wasn’t always sure of myself and my role as a mother, God was. God wanted me to be doing what I was doing right then. The plan of happiness hinges upon parenthood.

Heavenly Father’s work and His glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man—of us, of His children. Truly, one of the great purposes of this life is for us to take part in a parallel process of bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of our children, to become like Heavenly Father by teaching our children to become like Him. Motherhood is near to divinity.

A mother’s duty is to bring her children up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). That’s a tall order. The Topical Guide lists more than 30 scriptures under “Family Responsibilities toward Children.” Highlighted in almost every excerpt listed there are the verbs in the phrases—words like chasten, train, teach, exhort, command, and remember. Little wonder, then, that President James E. Faust called good parenting the greatest challenge in the world. He summed up some of parents’ responsibilities:

The scriptures tell us that parents are to teach their children “faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost,” and “the doctrine of repentance.” (D&C 68:25.) (October 1990 Conference)

He continues:

In my opinion, the teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence, intuitive understanding, humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality, perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in life.

The Lord has directed, “Bring up your children in light and truth.” (D&C 93:40.) To me, there is no more important human effort.

We scarcely need to be reminded of how important that effort is. We know that, as Neal A. Maxwell said, “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, . . . what happened in cradles and kitchens [may] prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses” (April 1978 Conference). I know that there are so many forces working on our children today and I’m often afraid that I won’t succeed at instilling the values which are most important into the heart of my son. I’m afraid I won’t sufficiently train him up in the way that he should go, and that he may depart from it.

As I was preparing this talk, I was thinking about the standard of perfection that the world requires of women and mothers, and I suddenly remembered that one most difficult commandment—be ye therefore perfect.

I am not perfect. Had I waited until I was, I would have never become a parent. But I try, just like every mother here tries, to be a good mother. But I still worry that my trying will not be enough, that I will fall short—that I cannot be a perfect parent.

As soon as I remembered the words “Be ye therefore perfect,” another phrase from scripture came into my mind—”Come unto Christ and be perfected in him.”

I know that motherhood is the most important calling on earth. I also know that I cannot be a perfect parent all by myself. When motherhood is its hardest, I realize that I have been trying to do it all, all by myself. I am constantly reminded that I am a joint heir and CO-partner with Christ. I can turn to the One who has offered to take upon Him my burdens, my sorrows and my sins. He will justify and sanctify me and my efforts as an individual and a mother.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland came to the same conclusion in General Conference, April 1996:

When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, “pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,” that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you.

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.

Remember, remember all the days of your motherhood: “Ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save” (2 Ne 31:19).

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope” (2 Ne 31:20). You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole” (Matt 9:22). And it will make your children whole as well.

I know that I still have to try, and work very hard to teach my children that which they must do, but I testify that after all that we can do, it is by grace that we are saved. I believe that this applies not just to our eternal salvation, but to our efforts as parents in this life. I will always fall short of the standard of perfection by myself, but if I can rely upon the Lord and trust in Him in faith, I believe that He will justify me—He will compensate for my shortcomings. He will make up the difference. And if we have been true and faithful, He will sanctify me and my family to bring to pass our immortality and eternal life.

And each time, it grated on my nerves more and more. Finally, the third time, I’d had it (it was also after midnight…). I turned to the television and shouted, “No you don’t! You don’t have any idea what we do!”

If you’re still pondering what special things to say to your mother or wife (or baby mama) for Mother’s Day, here’s a little hint: don’t say that you’re grateful for all that we do. Even if you really, truly are grateful for absolutely everything that we do, leaving it at that makes us (or me, at least) feel as though you have no concept of what we do, and no real desire to find out.

Instead, pick a few specific things to mention. They could be thankless tasks that you know your wife/mother/babymama does (diapers, dishes, maintaining a well-run house, enforcing the rules, etc.); it could be a favorite family memory (especially effective if you know that your wife/mother/babymama put a lot of time and effort into creating that memory, but it works either way).

By speaking in specifics, the underlying message is that you notice what we do. Generalities are nice, but they’re just that—general. By mentioning a couple things to focus on, hopefully your wife/mother/babymama will understand that you see the hard, thankless work that is part and parcel with motherhood—and that you appreciate that.

Just a thought.

Here is part of my explanation:

Unfortunately, it appears that a number of people, most of whom are not brave enough to make themselves actually ‘visible’ with a real name, email address or URL, have chosen to make this blog a platform to their own unhappiness and failure to accept the fact that scrubbing floors, changing diapers and making and enforcing rules is thankless work which will almost definitely go unnoticed by anyone but God himself. I’m sorry that so many people missed the point of this poignant essay (which I did not write, thank you).

. . . I actually write on the topic of finding fulfillment in motherhood, finding value in our own lives with or without the validation of outside sources (and yes, your kids and husbands are “outside sources”).

Consider this post an open invitation to discuss that topic, “finding fulfillment in motherhood, finding value in our own lives with or without the validation of outside sources (and yes, your kids and husbands are “outside sources”). Because while we do focus a lot on getting appreciation from our husbands and children on the one day of the year that they are almost required to demonstrate it, the fact remains that we will never be happy with the work of motherhood until we see it as intrinsically valuable and worthwhile in and of itself.

I’m sorry that so many people seem to think that the message of the story was that we should be content to be ignored. It is not. The message is that we have to value what we do ourselves (and recognize the value that God has placed upon this divine calling), because times come when no one else will.

Frankly, the abusive and violent comments which I received on that post simply reinforce my point that motherhood isn’t truly appreciated. When one insightful mother makes an attempt to find value in motherhood for herself, people jump on her to pull her down and tell her that she doesn’t have worth because she’s ignored.

Mothers will be ignored. I look with great skepticism at any person who claims otherwise. My husband has no idea what I do all day long (actually, I don’t have any idea how he passes his days at work either, and I’m pretty well acquainted with what he does). My son is far too young to possess the empathy required to understand that whining for food grates on my nerves, wears on my patience and requires me to get up (reminder: I’m six months pregnant, so this is a bit of a big deal), walk in the kitchen and prepare something for him. And as he gets older, frankly, I don’t anticipate him suddenly becoming self-aware—I know lots of kids of all ages and the maturity required to recognize and minimize the impact of your life on the life of your caregiver is virtually never acquired until adulthood. And sometimes not even then.

But I AM A MOTHER. That is how I proudly define myself. I do things like clean up after my son—heck, I even pick up trash on the street—and nurture my family—and strangers. I take care of the people around me. No one will thank me for changing my son’s diaper (unless I had assigned my husband to do it and did it myself instead), but it’s still gotta be done.

Motherhood isn’t like a regular job. As difficult as it is to continue without recognition, you can’t just quit being a mother because you don’t get a raise or a gold star or a trophy—or even a pat on the back. You can’t quit on the days you don’t think you can get out of bed. You can’t quit when you have the flu. You can try to get the people around you to notice and appreciate everything you do for them, but that won’t give you a sense of self-worth.

We each have to foster our own sense of self-worth as individuals—and as mothers. Because, like I said, we ain’t gettin’ out of that one any time soon.

Holding our own calling in high regard is next to impossible when we feel like everything we do goes by unnoticed. And, honestly, the people that we work the hardest to serve may never appreciate what we do for them—no, not even if we make our sweet spouses watch the children all week long.

For some reason, this week, Hayden has stopped saying “Daychew” (Thank you) and replaced it with “Daychew, Mommy.” My husband can be really great at noticing and getting a lot of the small things. But usually we mothers have to settle for much smaller or more indirect forms of gratitude.

I think that there are two aspects to feeling this direct appreciation, which we may only get on Mother’s Day. They are: seeing that our families value what we do and seeing a demonstration of their appreciation for this.

I know on the surface, these look like the same thing—but they’re not. It’s not easy, but you can certainly have one without the other: a friend or family member who recognizes that being a mother is important, but never seems to understand why you’re not available at the drop of a hat or just not the same as you were before. Another who praises your mothering skills but derides your choices (to stay home, to breastfeed, to work—you name it).

For us to feel appreciated, I think we need to be able to see that the people who are most important in our lives—the ones that we are nurturing every day—understand that this is an important work, but a lot of work. They see that we have made sacrifices to have children and lead our lives this way.

They see our love in the things that we do for them—and they show their love and appreciation in the things that they say and do for us.

And you know what, husbands, children and family members? You don’t have to do that just once a year.

What do you think—how can our friends and families show us that they appreciate what we do for them? (Or, if it’s an easier question: what do you want for Mother’s Day—and every other day of the year?)