Categories
Fulfillment

The Taming of the Mom

I have seen The Taming of the Shrew, I think, once (Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton version; I’ve seen 10 Things I Hate About You at least a few times, but somehow I don’t think that counts). There’s a production of Shrew at this year’s Utah Shakespearean Festival, and the feature in the Living section of the paper on Sunday was on the play.

If you’ve forgotten, the eponymous shrew is Katharina (Kate in this updated version), who is rather mean and abusive toward men, especially suitors. In the end, though, she is “tamed” and accepts one Petruchio as her husband (who gave as good as he got).

Katharina’s final soliloquy seems to show a drastic change in character (selection below for Shakespeare lovers) that explains why she would agree to marry (finally). The speech goes on about how hard husbands work for their wives and all husbands want is a little obedience and a kind look, and that’s not really asking that much, etc.

These lines are often ridiculed as an outdated view of marriage, clearly a product of their time that has no place in ours. And, of course, to an extent I agree that this oversimplified view of women’s subservience and subjugation isn’t a proper definition of marriage.

But what I found interesting was the actress’s (Melinda Parrett) take on the lines (emphasis added, source):

[I]n the contest of this production, Parrett finds Kate’s words moving and affirming.

“It’s not about losing yourself,” she said. “It’s about finding out who you are in relation to someone else. What I hear is that life is too short—love requires give and take, and we should simply relax and offer support to each other. I get choked up over it. It’s what I hope to feel someday.”

Although marriage and motherhood are usually related 😉 , when I read that quotation I wasn’t thinking about my husband. I was thinking about becoming a mother. For my husband and me, despite a short courtship, the transition to marriage was . . . well, what transition? Do you mean moving in together?

But for me, the transition to motherhood was very hard, and, of necessity, very sudden. I struggled for months (and sometimes still struggle) to define myself as a person and not only as a mother. I often feared that anything that was once unique about me, anything that I enjoyed or valued as an individual, would be obliterated by the full-time obligation entailed in having a child.

“It’s not about losing yourself. It’s about finding out who you are in relation to someone else.” Certainly this applies to marriage, but in an even deeper way, it’s applied to me as a mother. In some ways, I do (or did) feel that I had to lose myself—but only to find a new self, someone who was not “just” a mother, not “only” a mother, not “solely” a mother.

Someone who was a mother and proud to be a mother—but was still me.

Did you find it difficult to “find out who you are in relation to someone else” when you married or became a mother?

Categories
Fulfillment

“Finding” fulfillment is misleading

“Finding fulfillment in motherhood” is not just part of the title element of this blog; it’s part of MamaBlogga’s mission. However, I know that using the word “find” is misleading.

It makes it sound as though one day I’m going to wake up and feel whole, completely satisfied in my life as a mother. It makes it seem like there’s something waiting out there for me. It makes it’s seem like one Christmas morning, I’ll unwrap a present and be able to hold up my fulfillment for everyone to see—”See? I finally found it! It’s my fulfillment!” In this analogy, it’s a tangible thing, something that I’ll earn or discover one day, never to lose again.

Last week I was in Target and saw an inspirational poster that read, “Life isn’t about finding yourself; it’s about building yourself.” That really struck home with me. I realized that life isn’t about finding fulfillment either.

It’s about building fulfillment. It’s about accumulating a type of accomplishments—relationships—that might not win you awards or paychecks, but will sustain you like nothing else can.

And it’s something I’ll have to work to build every day.

Have you started building your own fulfillment?