MamaBlogga

This might be my favorite post on this blog of all time.

Choosing happiness. It’s been a bit of a theme for the year—one of my resolutions, one of our Group Writing Projects (oh, man, looks like it’s about time for one of those again). It’s something we hear about a lot.

And now I finally know what it means.

Surprisingly, it has a lot to do with why, when I talk about how heart-rendingly difficult stay-at-home motherhood can be, people tell me I should get a job.

It’s because we don’t know how to be happy.

Choosing to be happy does not mean that we will automatically be happy all the time. It doesn’t mean we always choose whatever might make us happy right this second.

Choosing happiness means we choose the things we know are most important for our long term happiness.

The analogy that keeps springing to my mind is one of food. I like donuts and ice cream and cake and pie . . . I could go on, but you get the idea. Food does make me happy, treats especially. I do the grocery shopping, so if I wanted to, I could stock up on these things every week and eat them every meal.

But I can’t choose cake and ice cream all the time. Yeah, I’d enjoy eating it (to a point), but I would soon get sick, gain weight, and miss out on vital nutrients. (Scurvy, anyone? Oh and PS tooth decay?)

To be happy with my body (liking how I look) and happy in my body (not feeling like crap), I have to make healthier choices. I do enjoy eating healthier foods, too, though not as much as my sugary treats.

The same goes for my day-to-day activities. I could ignore my kids all day, plunk myself down in front of the computer and them in front of the TV (where we are now, thank you), but we all end up grumpy and lazy.

Choosing happiness means doing what I may not want to do most right now—it means choosing the thing that I know is right for me, what’s important in the long run.

Staying home with my children all day may not be an endless delight for me. There are diapers and housekeeping and tantrums and nap strikes. But I believe the most important contribution a person can make to the world is to raise their children right, to show them love, to give them their personal attention. I know that in twenty years, my successful marketing campaigns won’t be what warms the cockles of my heart.

By choosing to raise my children myself, I’m choosing a long, hard road—but one that leads to real, long-term happiness.

What do you think? Are you giving up treats today so you don’t vomit tomorrow?

(More thoughts on how to choose happiness as a mom here.)

This post originally ran 8 October 2009.

Photo by Swamibu

It’s been more than a year since I last asked how I can help you:

I would love to help you find fulfillment in motherhood. I’m working on it, too, but I think we can help each other. I know that for every mother that values herself in her calling as a mother, I feel strengthened and heartened.

So what can I do to help you find fulfillment in motherhood? What do you struggle with? How can I remind you of the true worth of the little and sometimes tedious things you do every day?

I had a lot of very brave, candid moms share the challenges of their lives—and other than thanking them, I didn’t do a thing for them.

I want to do more.

So what can I do to help you to find fulfillment in motherhood? Would you like to be able to interact with other moms (in a forum maybe)? Would it help you to have a weekly post on MamaBlogga where we can all share something we did to enjoy our lives that week? Would you like “assignments” to help you find fulfillment? Would you like to see featured moms talk about what they do to find fulfillment?

Any other ideas?

In last 6 weeks or so, Hayden has really started picking up two word phrases. “B’eh du (Bless you)” was the just first (well, after “Doo too (thank you)”). He’s since picked up sentences as advanced as “No wanna” (especially popular at bedtime), “You ohay?” and “Deriddis (There it is).”

But of course, my favorite of Hayden’s new sentences is “Wuh doo” or “Wub doo”—”Love you.” He’s gotten so used to saying it that when he walks off from me during the day, he will wave and say “Buh bye; wuh doo!”

Usually, however, Hayden saves his “wuh doos” to respond to Ryan and me when we first tell him that we love him. But today was different.

I was having a frustrating time with the computer—freezing programs, forgotten logins and just plain wrong security questions. For some reason, Hayden chose that time to insist that I “um on (come on).” When I asked what he wanted me to do, he threw a fit.

I lost my patience and lectured him that I was busy with something that was important and very frustrating. While he was initially very upset, he calmed himself down quickly. But there’s not much more pitiful than a two-year-old stoically wiping tears from his eyes with a huge pouty lip. Even as I was telling him that I was working on something important, I knew that the things I was doing on the computer weren’t really ‘important’; Hayden was.

I picked him up and apologized for yelling at him. I just rocked him for a few moments and he rested his head on my shoulder and patted my back.

Then Hayden sat up and looked at me. “Wuh doo,” he said, still just the slightest bit pitiful.

I love you, too, sweet boy.

This week, Asha Dornfest, editor of the wildly popular parent blog Parent Hacks and writer/blogger extraordinaire, was kind enough to take some time to discuss fulfillment with me.

Read on to benefit from her insights!

How do you define fulfillment?

I used to think of fulfillment as a destination — something to aspire to, like “happiness.” But as I get older, I find that I grab onto fulfillment in smaller bits — in hours, or even minutes. I no longer expect the Nirvana-like arrival of “fulfillment.” I think in much smaller blocks of time.

How do you find personal fulfillment in your life?

I try to balance the energy coming in and the energy going out. So, if I’m spending a lot of time giving (to my kids, to the house, to friends) I try to set aside time to do something for myself. Same goes the other way — if I find myself preoccupied by my work or my anxieties, I try to move my focus outside of myself, to my family, my friends, and my community. The scale’s always tipping, but I do my best to bring it back to center when I can.

How do you find personal fulfillment through motherhood?

I feel most fulfilled by motherhood when I can step back and see the individuals my kids are becoming. The day-to-day routine can get lost in details, so I try to spend a few minutes every day really seeing these children, inside and out.

Thank you very much, Asha! I really appreciate your taking time to answer these questions. I’m still learning that fulfillment isn’t a destination; it comes when you take a moment to look at the journey. When my life or stress or troubles threaten to overwhelm me, I find that focusing on others helps to put things in perspective, too.

To read more of Asha’s thoughts, visit her personal blog ashaland. For daily tips and tricks to make your life easier, check out her blog, Parent Hacks, one of the top 10 most popular parent blogs.

Also, keep checking back here for an update to the Popular Parent Bloggers list coming up soon! (Looking like early next week; thanks a lot for changing everything around, stupid Technorati.)

Earlier this week, I quoted an article “I Am a Mother.” It was written by Jane Clayson Johnson. If her name sounds familiar, it could be because she spent 15 years on network news, first for ABC News, then as a co-anchor on CBS’s Early Show. She was at the top of her game, and negotiating a lucrative contract, when she decided to leave journalism—for motherhood.

She talks about people’s various reactions in her article and in her book of the same name. Today I got to hear her speak at BYU. She’s now the happy mother of two (and stepmother of three more). I learned so much from listening to her speak; she has an amazing perspective on life and its seasons.

One of my favorite stories that she shared took place not too long ago. She was with her family in Florida (I think), and she said she had on her “new mom outfit,” no make up, diaper bag and kids in tow. Someone she’d worked with several times recognized her and flagged her down.

“So,” he asked once he’d caught up with her. “What are you up to now?” He glanced at her children. “Just a mom?”

It took her only a split second to respond: “Just a mom? No, no—I am a mother,” she declared proudly.

At the end of her excellent talk (you’d think she’d been paid to write and speak for decades! Oh, wait…), there was a little bit of time for questions.

Naturally, I hopped right up, ducked under a few handrails and got to the microphone (luckily my sister was there to hold on to Hayden).

I asked Jane how she found fulfillment as a mother. Here’s what she said (from my notes; my tape recorder wasn’t cooperating!)

It’s difficult in our culture because we place such an emphasis on measuring success—awards, titles, etc. As a mother, you don’t get a pat on the back every day. You can’t measure motherhood on a daily basis—it’s a long-term process.

The world esteems titled professions: lawyers, judges. Society seems to set motherhood below those things. But that success is fleeting; it goes away. And there is always someone waiting in the wings to take your place. Your relationship with your children will last forever. It is more important.

I like how she was unafraid to make firm statements, from “I am a mother” to “It is more important.” And that’s something that I like to be reminded of: my relationship with my children will last forever. It is more important. Success in the workplace is nice—I quite like it—but it’s fleeting, and someone can easily replace you there. There is no substitute for a mother to her children.