MamaBlogga

Today we’ll pick up where we left off with Elder M. Russell Ballard’s talk “Daughters of God,” about the eternal importance of motherhood. Last time, he talked about gaining appreciation for the work of motherhood and its eternal importance. Today, we’ll look at his thoughts on the challenges facing mothers.

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part- or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.

Today, I think all mothers feel a lot of pressure to be perfect. We’re encouraged—conditioned, even—to believe that we can have it all, and we have to have it all NOW. We have to be perfect executives and liberated women; we have to be perfect mothers and homemakers; we have to take our children to seventeen hundred and fifty-three soccer games or they’ll be in therapy for fifteen years.

And once we’ve finally found a balance and (hopefully) mothers who are in similar situations, it becomes so easy to look at other mothers with different balances and different solutions and judge them. I’ve been on both ends of this and it’s so easy to forget what Elder Ballard ends on here: “What matters is that a mothers loves her children deeply and . . . prioritizes them above all else.”

I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes.

Ironically, this talk was delivered on the same day that I designated to post for our last GWP, “Savoring the seasons,” when I hit on his first point here: we have to savor the seasons of motherhood. I said then that “when I look back at his short life, my chief regret is not enjoying him more, even during the difficult times.”

My mother expressed a similar sentiment recently when she said “If I could do anything over again, I would worry less about things that really didn’t matter, and just enjoy the wonders of childhood with my girls. I would be more patient, more loving, more generous. I would discipline with more understanding and love. I would read more stories and more scriptures to you. I would just enjoy the very fleeting moments I had with my girls.”

Like Elder Ballard, I’m impressed by mothers who can “live in the moment” with their children, appreciating the joys of each phase of their lives. All phases have difficult times, but focusing on these simple pleasures can help us through the difficult times, too.

Elder Ballard continues:

This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being. In the words of the proclamation on the family, “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children” (”The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult. Through my own four-generation experience in our family, and through discussions with mothers of young children throughout the Church, I know something of a mother’s emotions that accompany her commitment to be at home with young children. There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. Sometimes even husbands seem to have no idea of the demands upon their wives.

Although I still feel like he doesn’t know all that from personal, excruciating, daily experience, Elder Ballard really captures the range of emotions that I’ve felt through motherhood, from the highs to the lows. Sometimes it seems like we’re expected to act as though there aren’t any lows, as if motherhood is always peaches, cream and joy—and should we ever admit that it’s hard, we must not love our children enough.

Guess what: it’s hard. I still love Hayden, but becoming a mother when he was born is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was giving my life and my soul to God and to my family, and sometimes it’s still a struggle. The days with grumpiness, whining and tantrums are sometimes really crappy. (Ooh, I said crappy.) I still love him, and there are almost always one or two sweet, loving moments, even in the worst of days.

And the worst of days sometimes have little to do with whether or not he behaves—they’re the days when I wake up and know I won’t be able to entertain and feed him the whole day. They’re the days when even eight episodes of Blue’s Clues later, it’s still three hours until nap time and I can’t think of anything for lunch, let alone fathom a way to get through the next eternity without more televisionsitting. They are the days when I’m bored, unstimulated and left wondering if there isn’t more for me out there.

But y’know, I really don’t think there is. I think that any regular, 9-to-5 job has similar moments of boredom and frustration, the same feeling of running in place, the same monotony. And while 9-to-5s come with paychecks (and sometimes recognition) (and adult conversation, usually), somehow, I don’t think that in the long run, I’ll look back and think “Oh, if only I’d had a ‘real’ job back then.”

Back to Elder Ballard for just a minute:

As a Church, we have enormous respect and gratitude to you mothers of young children. We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve.

Hurray! This is what I want for mothers, too, and this is what I’m trying to do here with this talk and with MamaBlogga.

Keep tuned: we’ll look at his suggestions for finding that validation and support—and fostering it in your own home—in the coming days!

One of the apostles of my church gave a wonderful talk on motherhood last month during the church’s semiannual General Conference. For the next few days, I’m going to take a look at his talk, which includes appreciation for mothers and our efforts, suggestions to help us enjoy motherhood more and suggestions to help our families show us appreciation. While many of his thoughts relate specifically to LDS doctrine, most of his sentiments can apply universally.

The original talk was given by Elder M. Russell Ballard and is entitled “Daughters of God.”

Brothers and sisters, recently my wife, Barbara, had back surgery and could not lift, twist, or bend. Consequently, I have done more lifting, twisting, and bending than ever before—and it has made me more appreciative of what women, and especially you mothers, do every day in our homes.

While women live in homes under many different circumstances—married, single, widowed, or divorced, some with children and some without—all are beloved of God, and He has a plan for His righteous daughters to receive the highest blessings of eternity.

This afternoon I want to focus my remarks primarily on mothers, particularly on young mothers.

As a young father, I learned the demanding role of motherhood. I served as a counselor and then as bishop for a period of 10 years. During that time we were blessed with six of our seven children. Barbara was often worn-out by the time I got home Sunday evening. She tried to explain what it was like to sit on the back row in sacrament meeting with our young family. Then the day came that I was released. After sitting on the stand for 10 years, I was now sitting with my family on the back row.

The ward’s singing mothers’ chorus was providing the music, and I found myself sitting alone with our six children. I have never been so busy in my whole life. I had the hand puppets going on both hands, and that wasn’t working too well. The Cheerios got away from me, and that was embarrassing. The coloring books didn’t seem to entertain as well as they should.

As I struggled with the children through the meeting, I looked up at Barbara, and she was watching me and smiling. I learned for myself to more fully appreciate what all of you dear mothers do so well and so faithfully!

I love this story and the ministory he tells in the first paragraph because this is always what I think of when I ask how we can help our husbands appreciate what we do: let them try it.

Let them spend two hours putting the two-year-old down for a nap. Let them get up with the baby all night long. Let them wait up for the teenager and deliver the lecture. Let them work on raising obedient, good, clean, productive, responsible human beings day in and day out and let us come home and wonder “What do you do all day? Do you just play with them all day long?” And let them smile and say “Yes.”

It ain’t easy, and sometimes the only way we can truly gain appreciation for that fact is a full-blown demonstration.

A generation later, as a grandfather, I have watched the sacrifices my daughters have made in rearing their children. And now, still another generation later, I am watching with awe the pressures on my granddaughters as they guide their children in this busy and demanding world.

After observing and empathizing with three generations of mothers and thinking of my own dear mother, I surely know that there is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.

Why is motherhood so essential? Following this week’s holiday, I hope the answer is obvious: where would most of us be without our mothers? And where would our children be without us?

Mothers guide and lead their children to become, as I said before, obedient, good, clean, productive, responsible human beings. It would be so easy to just let them do whatever—to not discipline and instill a sense of right and wrong, morality, ethics, etc. Because even today, even though many (most, even) of us work full- or part-time, in or outside of the home, mothers are still fundamentally responsible for the rearing of their children.

But I probably don’t need to convince most of you of the importance of motherhood. As easy as it is to lose sight of the importance of our efforts in the mundane minutiae, I think most mothers understand how vital and influential they can be. But I don’t want to speak for your when you’re here and can speak for yourselves—do you feel how important motherhood is, at least from time to time?

This was originally posted last year for Mother’s Day. I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s day filled with relaxation and appreciation!

Happy Mother’s Day! I got beautiful flowers, delicious chocolates and breakfast, dinner and dessert made for me.

I hope all of your Mother’s days have been good; feel free to share how your family celebrated!

Here is the talk I’m giving today in church. (Guess how long it took me to say all this, plus a little extra I added as I spoke.)

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I’ve come to develop a deep testimony about motherhood since I’ve become a mother. I don’t want the nonmothers in the congregation to feel left out because they haven’t had this blessing in their lives—or because they’re men. I believe that anyone who nurtures another person is in some way a parent. Sheri Dew, a former member of the Relief Society General Presidency, gave a talk entitled “Are We Not All Mothers?” in General Relief Society Meeting in September 2001. In it, she stated that “we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation.” Although Sister Dew has not been blessed with children in this life, she has nurtured many people personally through her extended family and church service. To be a mother is to give of yourself.

And to be a mother is hard. I had no idea how hard it would be before I had Hayden. I don’t remember receiving that warning from anyone. On the other hand, I had some idea how difficult it would be to be a mother in today’s society.
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Thanksgiving was “early” this year (November 22 is the earliest that the US holiday can be celebrated, in fact!). So this week, we get an extra long transition from the season of gratitude to the season of greed giving. A couple months ago, we talked about how others can show you (mothers) appreciation for what you do as a mother.

I think there is a distinction, albeit a fine one, between showing a mother than you appreciate her and what she does for her family and showing her that you value what she does. Naturally, if you truly value what a mother does, you should at least try to show that appreciation.

But sincere appreciation comes from actually valuing her efforts. It’s the thought that counts, right? I mean for this discussion to center less on acts of thanks, and more about the thought behind them—showing an attitude that mothers matter.

So, how can you and I and everyone around us 1.) develop the attitude that mothers matter and 2.) show it?

For the first part: does the world need to be convinced that mothers matter? Yes and no. We all understand that mothers are important. But on the other hand, mothers today feel a lot of pressure not to focus on “just being a mom,” as if “just being a mom” were a lowly, demeaning chore that is beneath any woman of learning or status.

While we may not be able to change the world today, I think it’s important that mothers themselves (and especially SAHMs) be the first to adopt and display the attitude that motherhood is a noble and important (even vital!) calling.

So how can we show we feel that way? Aside from being a real mother to our children, I think that one place to start is to stop putting the word “just” in your job description. You’re not “just a mom.” One of my favorite books on motherhood talks about this, and its title proudly proclaims I Am a Mother.

How do you think other mothers and nonmothers develop and show an attitude that mothers matter?

Hayden likes to sit on the couch. Especially if I’m there. It’s still a tiny bit too high for him to climb up on his own, so I help him. I can actually just stick my foot out and he can climb on that. So I help him climb up—on my foot, my hand, a step stool, whatever.

He climbs and climbs like he’s scaling Everest. When he finally gets himself situated on the couch, I exult, “You did it!”

Did he do it? Mostly. I helped a little. I realized once that it’s how life is. Our parents get us started. They point us in the right direction, train us up in the way that we should go, instill values in us. And boy, is it ever a big responsibility.

But in the end, it will be mostly our own efforts that count. Our parents can try all our lives to teach us right from wrong, but we have to choose to act on those teachings. And boy, is that ever a big responsibility!

One time, a few months ago, after I helped him up, he turned around, sat down and then lean forward and demanded, “Mmm! Mmmm!”

He wanted a kiss.

I’ll take whatever thank you I can get for today’s boost.

I’m not, in general, a bad mother. But I’m also not always the best mother that I can be. I’ve found that these three things, when I do them, make me a better mother:

1. Focus. By focus, I mean that I focus on Hayden. I really find that I enjoy my son and motherhood in general a lot more when I stop trying to get so much else done. Yes, I have to keep the house clean and my family fed, but when I spend most of my time just caring for and playing with Hayden, we both have a better day (even when the sink’s full of dishes).

2. Patience. I’m really, really working on this one because I’m not usually a patient person (especially not with family members, as sad as that is). The funny thing about patience is, of course, that even once you’ve become more patient, you get to “work” on it your whole life. It’s not like you just magically wave a wand and nothing ever upsets you again—even if it’s less frequent (which is what I’m striving toward now), our patience isn’t always perfect in this life.

3. Faith. This is in many ways interrelated with #2, because I’m using my faith to try to improve my patience. But my faith affects more of my parenting than that. It does give a long list of principles and lessons that I’m responsible for teaching my children, but it also provides me with sustaining power. I’ve had mornings where I can’t get out of bed because I’m exhausted and Hayden wakes up an hour and a half earlier than normal, and the only way I ever get out of bed on those days is after fervent prayer.

I’m far from perfect—and honestly, I know I won’t become perfect in this life, and certainly not by my own power—but when I do these three things, I enjoy motherhood more and I feel as though I’m a better mother!

What attributes or skills make you feel like a better mother?

This post is part of Mommy Zabs’ group writing project. The late part.