MamaBlogga

Thanksgiving was “early” this year (November 22 is the earliest that the US holiday can be celebrated, in fact!). So this week, we get an extra long transition from the season of gratitude to the season of greed giving. A couple months ago, we talked about how others can show you (mothers) appreciation for what you do as a mother.

I think there is a distinction, albeit a fine one, between showing a mother than you appreciate her and what she does for her family and showing her that you value what she does. Naturally, if you truly value what a mother does, you should at least try to show that appreciation.

But sincere appreciation comes from actually valuing her efforts. It’s the thought that counts, right? I mean for this discussion to center less on acts of thanks, and more about the thought behind them—showing an attitude that mothers matter.

So, how can you and I and everyone around us 1.) develop the attitude that mothers matter and 2.) show it?

For the first part: does the world need to be convinced that mothers matter? Yes and no. We all understand that mothers are important. But on the other hand, mothers today feel a lot of pressure not to focus on “just being a mom,” as if “just being a mom” were a lowly, demeaning chore that is beneath any woman of learning or status.

While we may not be able to change the world today, I think it’s important that mothers themselves (and especially SAHMs) be the first to adopt and display the attitude that motherhood is a noble and important (even vital!) calling.

So how can we show we feel that way? Aside from being a real mother to our children, I think that one place to start is to stop putting the word “just” in your job description. You’re not “just a mom.” One of my favorite books on motherhood talks about this, and its title proudly proclaims I Am a Mother.

How do you think other mothers and nonmothers develop and show an attitude that mothers matter?

Hayden likes to sit on the couch. Especially if I’m there. It’s still a tiny bit too high for him to climb up on his own, so I help him. I can actually just stick my foot out and he can climb on that. So I help him climb up—on my foot, my hand, a step stool, whatever.

He climbs and climbs like he’s scaling Everest. When he finally gets himself situated on the couch, I exult, “You did it!”

Did he do it? Mostly. I helped a little. I realized once that it’s how life is. Our parents get us started. They point us in the right direction, train us up in the way that we should go, instill values in us. And boy, is it ever a big responsibility.

But in the end, it will be mostly our own efforts that count. Our parents can try all our lives to teach us right from wrong, but we have to choose to act on those teachings. And boy, is that ever a big responsibility!

One time, a few months ago, after I helped him up, he turned around, sat down and then lean forward and demanded, “Mmm! Mmmm!”

He wanted a kiss.

I’ll take whatever thank you I can get for today’s boost.

I’m not, in general, a bad mother. But I’m also not always the best mother that I can be. I’ve found that these three things, when I do them, make me a better mother:

1. Focus. By focus, I mean that I focus on Hayden. I really find that I enjoy my son and motherhood in general a lot more when I stop trying to get so much else done. Yes, I have to keep the house clean and my family fed, but when I spend most of my time just caring for and playing with Hayden, we both have a better day (even when the sink’s full of dishes).

2. Patience. I’m really, really working on this one because I’m not usually a patient person (especially not with family members, as sad as that is). The funny thing about patience is, of course, that even once you’ve become more patient, you get to “work” on it your whole life. It’s not like you just magically wave a wand and nothing ever upsets you again—even if it’s less frequent (which is what I’m striving toward now), our patience isn’t always perfect in this life.

3. Faith. This is in many ways interrelated with #2, because I’m using my faith to try to improve my patience. But my faith affects more of my parenting than that. It does give a long list of principles and lessons that I’m responsible for teaching my children, but it also provides me with sustaining power. I’ve had mornings where I can’t get out of bed because I’m exhausted and Hayden wakes up an hour and a half earlier than normal, and the only way I ever get out of bed on those days is after fervent prayer.

I’m far from perfect—and honestly, I know I won’t become perfect in this life, and certainly not by my own power—but when I do these three things, I enjoy motherhood more and I feel as though I’m a better mother!

What attributes or skills make you feel like a better mother?

This post is part of Mommy Zabs’ group writing project. The late part.

Whether you want to show your own mother, the mother of your children, or just a good friend how much you appreciate what she does as a mother, first of all, let me thank you! Moms everywhere could use more appreciation.

Here seven ideas on how to show the mother in your life that you appreciate her:

1. Write her a thank you note or letter. Be as specific as possible. (Need some ideas? Check out the twenty-nine great entries for the “Thanks, Mom” Group Writing Project!)
2. Give her some time off. Offer to babysit her children, or arrange for someone you both trust to watch her (or both of your) children and take her out!
3. Get her a thoughtful gift. Something that she likes is best: however she likes to treat herself. Whether that’s chocolates or a bubble bath. Be sure to include a note telling her to take some time to enjoy herself!
4. Get her a pretty gift. For the last few years at Christmas, I’ve given my husband a gift list which always ends with “Something to make me feel beautiful.” For some women, this is jewelry, or make up, or nice clothing. For others, it could be a nicely framed picture of her that looks particularly attractive. For others, it could be pampering at home or at a spa.
5. Tell her what a good job she’s doing. Even the most confident of mothers sometimes struggles with feelings of inadequacy. Those reassuring words can echo back to her the next time she doubts her abilities as a mother.
6. Pray for her. If you’re religious, you understand what a strengthening effect a prayer of faith can have. Studies have even shown that people who were sick recovered more quickly when people prayed for them—even if they didn’t know they were praying. Imagine what it could do for your favorite mother!
7. Just say it. Tell her, “Jeanette, I think it’s great that you’re a mom. A mother’s work is so important, and I’m glad that you’re involved in your kids lives that way.”

Now it’s your turn: what’s the best way for your spouse, kids or friends to show you that they appreciate what you do as a mother?

(PS: I hope all of your spouses, parents, neighbors and friends type that question into the search engine of their choice and end up here!)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I’d finally begun to find a balance between trying to act as if motherhood hasn’t changed my life and my schedule at all, and totally accommodating my son.

Of course, this balancing act of motherhood changes nearly every day. One day, you can hardly pick up a gallon of milk; the next, your children sit through an hour and a half of grocery shopping without complaint.

But as your children grow and change, and sometimes our family expands, we are constantly having to adjust. Finding balance is a balancing act in an of itself.

And even if you do find balance, it doesn’t mean that your point of balance is necessarily an easy or leisurely one. Because being a mom just isn’t easy all the time. And it seems that sometimes “balance” is less a give-and-take between mom and baby and more of a “how much are you willing to give” for mom.

Wesley Jeanne at Mountain Mama wrote about this over the weekend.

I remember at my cousin Stacy’s baby shower (before kids for me), her older sister Karyn gave us both the advice that we should fit kids into our lifestyles rather than fit our lifestyles to our kids. I nodded sagely, sure of the wisdom of her advice. After all, at the time I thought it ridiculous if my friends with children wouldn’t do something because it interfered with nap time or was too inconvenient for the kids. I swore I wouldn’t be like that. When I had kids, I would be flexible, relaxed, I would have them adjust to my life.

You’re smiling. I know. I was delusional, wasn’t I?

Two kids later I do try to be flexible. I won’t bar the door and turn off the telephone and block all outside light during nap time, for example. My kids have learned to nap in a house that is impossible to keep dark and silent (I have a dog, I have neighbors, I don’t even have curtains on many of my windows).

But as a mother I also have to be aware at all times of the needs of my children. I am painfully aware of what happens when they don’t get enough sleep, when they get overstimulated, when their routine gets thrown for more than a day. Children need for parents to be flexible, but they also need structure. It just works better that way for all of us.

Although Wesley Jeanne goes on to acknowledge that it’s very hard to accommodate your schedule to your children, and being a prepared-mom-on-the-go is actually a lot more work than it looks like, I think the above statements show that she gets the underlying idea: a mom tries to be flexible and have fun with her kids, but at the same time, she has to put her kids’ needs first.

Of course, it’s easy to say that and know that, and another thing to do that. So head on over to Mountain Mama and show your support. Because sometimes, that’s what a mom really needs to feel better about this balancing act.

Motherhood is not, at its heart, about getting things done. To be sure, there are a lot of things that mother needs—or thinks she needs—to get done. Meal preparation, homework assistance, chauffeur service, vacuuming, and dishes—not to mention employment, a necessity for many mothers—absorb so much of a mother’s time that it’s very easy to let getting stuff done preoccupy our thoughts, our plans and our lives.

Preoccupy is the perfect word here. Our thoughts and our schedules are pre-occupied—they’re already filled And what are they filled with? So often, it’s just so much minutiae.

It’s minutiae that I often let get in the way of true motherhood. Cleaning is important, but not more important than enjoying my son. Cooking is important—we all gotta eat!—but not more important than being patient with my son. Even if he does have to be constantly underfoot while I’m in the kitchen.

It’s my attitude of “just let me finish what I need to do, and then I’ll be right with you (if I don’t have something else more pressing to do)” that gets in the way of all my positive mother attributes. (And I’m almost positive that I have some.)

Motherhood isn’t about getting it all done. There are no gold stars for keeping your floors spotless and your sink dish-free. A pristine home; a socially-, athletically-, and musically-active child; a four-course gourmet meal,—even a productive career—are all good things. But they shouldn’t be the sum total of motherhood, or even, ideally, the bulk of it.

Motherhood is not, at its heart, about doing. Motherhood is about being. Because motherhood isn’t just something you do; it’s who you are.