MamaBlogga

“Finding fulfillment in motherhood” is not just part of the title element of this blog; it’s part of MamaBlogga’s mission. However, I know that using the word “find” is misleading.

It makes it sound as though one day I’m going to wake up and feel whole, completely satisfied in my life as a mother. It makes it seem like there’s something waiting out there for me. It makes it’s seem like one Christmas morning, I’ll unwrap a present and be able to hold up my fulfillment for everyone to see—”See? I finally found it! It’s my fulfillment!” In this analogy, it’s a tangible thing, something that I’ll earn or discover one day, never to lose again.

Last week I was in Target and saw an inspirational poster that read, “Life isn’t about finding yourself; it’s about building yourself.” That really struck home with me. I realized that life isn’t about finding fulfillment either.

It’s about building fulfillment. It’s about accumulating a type of accomplishments—relationships—that might not win you awards or paychecks, but will sustain you like nothing else can.

And it’s something I’ll have to work to build every day.

Have you started building your own fulfillment?

Sometimes, I really think we (or at least I) overthink finding fulfillment. And I think it’s because I tend to dwell on the negative.

It’s not that I’m pessimistic, although it does probably have something to do with my tendency to be overwhelmed a little too easily. When I am overwhelmed or stressed or just not the mother that I want to be, I become consumed by that moment. I don’t want to get up to face the day; I can’t stomach the prospect of keeping Hayden out of the knife drawer for three more hours; I’m just so emotionally exhausted.

I just can’t do it sometimes. And during those times, whether it’s Hayden whining for two hours straight, or constantly making messes or smacking me in the face, I am all consumed. It’s those times that make an impression on my mind: motherhood is hard.

And while those struggling times can be frequent with a toddler in the house, they really aren’t the full picture. It can be easy to forget the easy times, the good times, and the happy times, and they certainly don’t have the same cumulative effect in my mind.

So this weekend, while you’re having a picnic, camping in the backyard, playing board games, at the ball game or just chilling at home, pause for just a moment to remind yourself, “This is it—this is motherhood. Not all the work, not the messes—the love and the joy and the . . . ticklebugs!”

Pardon me—I see a little boy who needs a tickling.

Why is MamaBlogga all about mom’s search for meaning, finding fulfillment in motherhood? There are lots of other ways to find fulfillment; can’t those tide a mother over until she’s done raising her kids and can get on with her life?

I suppose so. But I think that a “let me just get through this and then get on with my life” is a recipe for resentment. I should know—about every other week, I change my plans for the time when my all my kids will be in school, hopefully in about a decade. I’ll go get a PhD, I’ll speak at conferences, I’ll write a book—someday, someday, someday.

It’s a bit like living our lives according to a strict religious code, thinking, “If I can just do this incredibly hard, arduous task now, I’ll be happy in Heaven forever.” Yes, you will—but I believe that God wants us to be happy now, and His commandments are given to us to help us be happier.  (After all,  don’t you think we’ll be living those same commandments in Heaven?  Will we magically be happy doing something there that we resented doing here?)

Whether or not you believe as I do, you probably have (or want) children right now. I want every mother to be able to feel fulfillment and pride as a mother—now, not just in fifteen or twenty years when her children are grown, when they’re “accomplishments.”

We’re often told that this is impossible. The Harvard Business School’s model of success used to be: “Achievement.” We’re told that in motherhood, there are no achievements. There’s nothing you can put on a resume, get a bonus for or show off to your friends. (Okay, well, there’s potty training.)

If you are feeling this way, I want you to know that those people are wrong. Many of the things that count as “achievements” in this life—landing a contract, winning a case, even truly good and important things—will fade in significance more quickly than we expect. The Harvard Business School revised its model of success to include happiness, significance and legacy. Many will tell you that motherhood doesn’t provide these either. They are wrong.

There is nothing more significant you can do than to instill values into your children’s hearts. I know you want to do this—most of this month’s Group Writing Project entries have directly addressed or alluded to some kind of values, whether it be courtesy, family, self-worth or religious beliefs.

I won’t lie to you: it’s not easy. But it is worth it. One day, I hope and pray, I will see the people my children have become. I will be matriarch over a clan of children, children-in-law, grandchildren (and hopefully sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces, nephews and their posterity, if we live close enough). And even when our dozens of friends and family come all together, say, for my child’s wedding, I will only see a small portion of the good works our family will have wrought. That is significance, happiness and legacy.

But that’s “Heaven” (on Earth). While I look forward to that day, I don’t just have to live for that day, and neither do you.

Enjoy today. Be fulfilled today. One of the first things you have to do to be fulfilled is to recognize that what you do is significant.  Yes, even keeping the toddler out of the cat food.

Mothers matter.  Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.  Mothers matter and you matter.

What else can I do to help you feel fulfilled?

I often say that complaining without offering constructive solutions is just whining.

Well, I’m tired of whining about how the world views mothers. I want to be able to help mothers look at their children—not their degrees, not their paychecks, not their status symbols—and see fulfillment.

I may not be able to change society’s opinion of motherhood, but I would love to change yours. I would love to help you find fulfillment in motherhood. I’m working on it, too, but I think we can help each other. I know that for every mother that values herself in her calling as a mother, I feel strengthened and heartened.

So what can I do to help you find fulfillment in motherhood? What do you struggle with? How can I remind you of the true worth of the little and sometimes tedious things you do every day?

Let me know!

Maybe I was also hoping that I’d have motherhood and finding fulfillment in motherhood all figured out by now.

The Great Baby Debate

I mentioned this in passing last month, and I’ve really thought on it more. As I continue to ponder whether when we’ll have another baby, I suddenly seem to see reminders of my incompetence thus far as a mother. This last week, the living room is a mess—really a wreck with toys and trash and newspapers and food all over. I’m amazed the ants haven’t begun raiding more, because that room is well overdue for a vacuuming.

The kitchen desperately needs mopping. Both of these are rather serious things because I’m quite lax about keeping Hayden from eating off the floor. He’s just so much shorter than me that it’s no big deal for him to squat down, grab something and eat it before I even know what he’s doing.

The other day, when Hayden woke up in the morning, I came to get him and horror of horrors, he’d thrown up in his bed some time during the night. He hadn’t even cried to wake us up—that we’d heard. How could I have failed my little boy and not been there when he was sick? (Not to mention the times he’s pulled his diaper off in bed!)
Some days, it’s so far beyond me to wrangle him constantly. Some days, I spend a worrisome amount of time watching television. Some days, I can barely stand to look at the daily mess, leaving it strewn about my house to be compounded with the next day’s mess.

On those overwhelming days, I have to question myself as a mother. Can I really manage this with two when it seems that I’m failing with one?

It’s not that I think I’m a bad mother. I think I’m a rather average mother. And it’s not that my house is constantly a wreck or I’m completely overwhelmed by housework—most of the time, with my husband’s diligent help, it stays pretty much under control, though there are always the “hot spots” of clutter that bug me.

I think that I really did expect to have things “under control” by this point in my life—not necessarily having “ motherhood and finding fulfillment in motherhood all figured out by now,” but that I’d at least be decent at managing my son and my house and my finances and some sort of personal identity before I had to go upend my world all over again.

On the other hand, there’s a certain appeal to waiting to work out my whole “life system” until I think we’re done having children. At that point, I won’t have an impending life change lurking in the back of my mind, constantly niggling my confidence whenever I feel as though I’m actually “getting ahead.” (Yeah, you’re on top of this—for now, it seems to say.) Of course, I know that imposing a “life system” on myself and my family once we’ve all become entrenched in our ways would be even more difficult than having to readjust the system every few years.

But I only feel like I have a “system” about half of the time. The other half I’m trying to live up to that ideal—a mostly straight house, a mostly safe & clean child (who’s mostly not tormenting the cat) and a mostly satisfied me.

Sometimes I let my satisfaction with my life and my fulfillment rest on factors like these that are easily measured and highly visible. But it’s the intangible things that bring true satisfaction in life (okay, I guess Hayden and Ryan are quite tangible…).

I don’t have everything worked out perfectly. That really bothers the perfectionist in me. But I’m not going to let perfectionism keep me from enjoying my life and doing the things I know that I want to do—like have another child—just because my house isn’t spotless and my son plays in the cat food.

(Nope, no announcements, just some thoughts!)

When I came across the blogging metaphor group writing project on Successful-Blog.com, it didn’t take me very long to figure out the correct metaphor for my blog. Really, what I want to accomplish with this blog is to not only focus my search for fulfillment, find fulfillment daily and stop overanalyzing everything and just enjoy the moment, but to be able to help others do all those things. I want other mothers to realize that it’s okay to be a mom—not “just a mom,” but a mother.

It’s okay to stay home with your children. The work you do within the walls of your home is more important than anything you can do outside of them. Even the million dollars in future earnings that you’re supposedly giving up by “putting your career on hold.”

But just knowing it’s important isn’t enough. I want mothers to feel appreciated and to know that what they do is important and worthwhile—and fulfilling. I want them to know that motherhood isn’t just drudgery. It’s not just boring, horrible work and endless laundry and diapers and stupid games and wrangling toddlers away from outlets.

I want to tell mothers this because it is so easy to forget that something as mundane as motherhood can be, it is the most important thing you can do with your life. And if you try (or if you let it), it can also be the most worthwhile and fulfilling venture you’ll ever undertake.

That’s what I want my blog to be. I’m thinking about lots of other projects that might help with this—another group writing project (next month, ladies!), maybe a podcast (would you be interested in this?), etc. But to choose a metaphor for what my blog means or what I want it to mean to others is very easy. Because if I could, I would take every mother in the world one-on-one, and tell her how I feel—and give her a hug.

But since I can’t do that, I’ll reach out and put my words around you to reassure you that you matter and that what you do matters and that your work is appreciated.

*squeeze*!