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Kids/Parenting Fulfillment Faith

Fathers Matter, Too!

Though usually we talk about mothers and motherhood around here, I was asked to speak in church today. Some of my talk came from some previous Father’s day posts: Making Father’s Day Merry (Fabulous?), Dads are responsible (and important!) and Dads are capable.

And here are my other thoughts from today:

Children in today’s world need all the help they can get. Studies have shown that one family factor is strongly correlated with:

  • Not getting straight A’s
  • Repeating a grade
  • Dropping out of school
  • Obesity
  • higher delinquency and aggression test scores
  • Abuse or neglect, emotional or physical
  • poverty
  • Drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco
  • significantly more illicit drug use
  • Teen pregnancy

What was the one factor correlated with all of these circumstances? Not having a father in the home. (Statistics http://www.fatherhood.org)

It’s no wonder that Heavenly Father intended families to have two parents—because that’s how they function best. In the Proclamation to the World on the Family, we read:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.

Dads belong in the family. It’s the ideal situation, and even if not all of us can enjoy the ideal, it’s important to recognize and honor fathers, especially today. It’s easy to find fault with fathers—and the media is a big help there. But for all the negative attention that dads get, I know that there are lots of fathers out there stepping up and doing a great job.

How can we honor the fathers in our lives?

  • We can pray for them.
  • We can get to know them.
  • We can honor them, obeying and listening to them.
  • We can forgive them.
  • We can love them.

Fathers may not realize their influence. But at least in my house, I can see it every day. This week alone, two of my sisters and I have talked about how things as little as phrases our father uses stay with us. Last week, Rachel heard the door open and she couldn’t see who had come in. “Da!” she shouted “Da! Da!” She does the same when she sees her father on the stand during Sacrament Meeting.

Rebecca’s favorite role to play is Buzz Lightyear. We were assigning roles to the rest of the family, and I asked if Daddy should be Zurg (sorry if I just spoiled the twist in Toy Story 2 for you). No, Rebecca reasoned, Daddy should be Andy because he’s nice.

But my favorite story is from Hayden: you ask him what he wants to be when he grows up, and his first (and often only) answer is “A father.” (And yes, “father,” not “dad or “daddy.”)

In the April 1999 General Conference [of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints], Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk called “The Hands of the Fathers,” where he relayed several stories of real fathers doing their best to fulfill that divine appointment, and the impact that they had in the eyes and lives of their children.

Three such stories:

A young Laurel I met on a conference assignment not long ago wrote to me after our visit and said, “I wish my dad knew how much I need him spiritually and emotionally. I crave any kind comment, any warm personal gesture. I don’t think he knows how much it would mean to me to have him take an active interest in what is going on in my life, to offer to give me a blessing, or just spend some time together. I know he worries that he won’t do the right thing or won’t say the words well. But just to have him try would mean more than he could ever know. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know he loves me. He sent me a note once and signed it ‘Love, Dad.’ I treasure that note. I hold it among my dearest possessions.”

“Much in my chaotic childhood was uncertain, but one thing I knew for sure: that my dad loved me. That certainty was the anchor of my young life. I came to know and love the Lord because my father loved him. I have never called anyone a fool or taken the Lord’s name in vain because he told me the Bible said I shouldn’t. I have always paid my tithing because he taught me it was a privilege to do so. I have always tried to take responsibility for my mistakes because my father did. Even though he was estranged from the Church for a [time], at the end of his life he served a mission and worked faithfully in the temple. In his will he said that any money left over from taking care of his [family] should go to the Church. He loved the Church with all of his heart. And because of him, so do I.”

“Often as I watch my son watch me, I am taken back to moments with my own dad, remembering how vividly I wanted to be just like him. I remember having a plastic razor and my own can of foaming cream, and each morning I would shave when he shaved. I remember following his footsteps back and forth across the grass as he mowed the lawn in summer.

“Now I want my son to follow my lead, and yet it terrifies me to know he probably will. Holding this little boy in my arms, I feel a ‘heavenly homesickness,’ a longing to love the way God loves, to comfort the way He comforts, to protect the way He protects. The answer to all the fears of my youth was always ‘What would Dad do?’ Now that I have a child to raise I am counting on a Heavenly Father to tell me exactly that.”

The responsibilities of fatherhood can be heavy. The Proclamation later states: “Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of [our family] obligations.”

Just like mothers, fathers may feel inadequate to these responsibilities at times, but as Elder L. Tom Perry has pointed out, “It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of [divine] appointment.”

I conclude with one more thought from Elder Holland’s talk:

And, brethren, even when we are not “the best of men,” even in our limitations and inadequacy, we can keep making our way in the right direction because of the encouraging teachings set forth by a Divine Father and demonstrated by a Divine Son. With a Heavenly Father’s help we can leave more of a parental legacy than we suppose.

I testify that when we do all that we can as parents, trusting in and relying on the Lord for guidance and sustenance, Jesus Christ will justify and sanctify our efforts. He can make us more than we are as fathers, mothers and people, and He can make our children and our families whole. Fathers matter. Temple covenants can bind our families together forever. The priesthood is real. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Categories
Kids/Parenting Faith

LDS Writer Blogfest: “What Manner of Men Ought Ye to Be?”

So, because I’m seriously scheduling deficient, today is L (and J will be Thursday). I volunteered to be a part of the LDS Writer Blogfest, thinking it would fit perfectly because L is on Thursday . . . but yeah, it was set for today, Tuesday. (Oh well.)

Every year, on the first weekend in April and October, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds a General Conference. Speakers from the leadership (general authorities, including a living prophet, apostles and seventies) give talks which are televised, translated and transmitted throughout the world. Today, a number of writers who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are blogging about their personal favorites among these addresses.

I'm a Mormon.With ten hours of material to choose from, it’s hard to pick a favorite, but one talk in particular touched my heart during the conference. Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the First Quorum of the Seventy gave a talk called “What Manner of Men Ought Ye to Be?” I loved this talk because it helped me to see very specifically how I can be a better parent and a better person.

We often focus on all that we have to do, to the detriment of what we need to be. I find myself focusing on what I have to do, to the detriment of being a good mom sometimes. I need to focus on being, changing myself by focusing on my heart, instead of focusing on just its outward manifestations, my actions.

Of course, the most important thing for us to be is to be like Christ. To become like Christ, Elder Robbins recommends that we pray as individuals and families: “Because Christlike attributes are gifts from God and cannot be developed without His help, in family and personal prayers, pray for those gifts.”

We also need to teach our children to be like Him, and not just at Family Home Evening (Monday night church lessons + activity + treat), but all the time:

When children misbehave, let’s say when they quarrel with each other, we often misdirect our discipline on what they did, or the quarreling we observed. But the do—their behavior—is only a symptom of the unseen motive in their hearts. We might ask ourselves, “What attributes, if understood by the child, would correct this behavior in the future? Being patient and forgiving when annoyed? Loving and being a peacemaker? Taking personal responsibility for one’s actions and not blaming?”

How do parents teach these attributes to their children? We will never have a greater opportunity to teach and show Christlike attributes to our children than in the way we discipline them. Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple and implies patience and teaching on our part. It should not be done in anger.

Not only do we have to teach our children to be like Christ, we have to be like Him ourselves. I often have a short temper—but patience is something I’m working on being. To that effect, earlier this year I read Soft-Spoken Parenting: 50 Ways to Not Lose Your Temper With Your Kids (and I’m thinking it might be time to work on that again).

When Elder Robbins spoke of the motives in our children’s hearts, I thought of a scripture from the Book of Mormon, describing the peace that reigned in the land for 200 years after Christ visited the Americas: “And it came to pass that there was no contention in the land because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people” (4 Ne. 1:15). My mother had my sisters and I memorize that scripture when we were younger, trying to help us get along better. That didn’t mean that we instantly stopped arguing, but I do believe that teaching our children to love righteousness and be like Christ—and becoming like Him ourselves—is the most important task we have as parents. And Elder Robbins’s talk helped me better understand how to do that.

What do you think? How has focusing on motivations instead of actions helped you as a person or a parent? Did you watch conference?

Read more LDS writers’ responses to General Conference today!

Annette Lyon: “Desire”
Annie Cechini: “The Spirit of Revelation”
Ben Spendlove: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Chantele Sedgwick: “LDS Women Are Incredible!”
Charity Bradford: “LDS Women Are Incredible!”
Jackee Alston: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Jenilyn Tolley: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Jennifer McFadden: “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home”
Jessie Oliveros: “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home”
Jolene Perry: “It’s Conference Once Again”
Jordan McCollum: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Kasey Tross: “Guided by the Holy Spirit”
Kayeleen Hamblin: “Become as a Little Child”
Kelly Bryson: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Krista Van Dolzer: “Opportunities to Do Good”
Melanie Stanford: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Michelle Merrill: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Myrna Foster: “Opportunities to Do Good”
Nisa Swineford: “Desire”
Sallee Mathews: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Sierra Gardner: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Tamara Hart Heiner: “Waiting on the Road to Damascus”
The Writing Lair: “Waiting on the Road to Damascus”