MamaBlogga

Mother’s day began with only the best intentions. But, let’s face it, it can be a really rough day for moms, even if they get the day off from dishes and laundry. Here’s why

1. Make one day of the year that special day we all remember our mothers, and it’s okay to forget them the other 364 days. (And bonus on leap years!)

2. No matter how hard you try to keep your expectations low, your children still act like they do every other day of the year—disobeying, fighting, crying and sloughing off. Even though it’s your “special day.” (Is it just that they don’t care, or do they actually hate you? Maybe their therapists know.)

3. Everyone shares stories about the most wonderful mother in the history of creation (usually theirs), reminding us once again that we SOOO are not that. Even though it’ll probably be our kids saying those same things in 20 years.

4. Major takehome of Mother’s day: whatever the heck it is moms do all day/year long, it’s roughly equivalent to the value of a bouquet, a card, and one day off a year. Or half a day.

5. An alarming percentage of women who are now mothers have “an issue” with their own mothers. I don’t really get this one, but whenever I did a group writing project about mothers, I had people tell me they couldn’t participate because of this. And, thus, celebrating motherhood is bad.

6. The perceived emotional negativity of every little argument with you is enhanced approximately 10,000% because it’s the one and only day of the year they’re supposed to be thinking of you.

7. Our four-year-olds with the I-can’ts will doubtlessly refuse to join in singing one measly little not-even-very-mother-oriented song in church. Even though we completely expected this, and spent the whole week trying to encourage and prepare him, it will still hurt. Of course, it hurts a lot worse when the second the song is over, he throws a tantrum because he wants to go on the stand (to sit with his dad, best of all). And it’s even better when he smacks his sister with a book 10 minutes later and you have to drag two crying children out of the chapel again. But then you just have to laugh. Because Mother’s day sucks.

8. Inevitably, some well-meaning person (usually a man) suggests we should do this every day. No. Please.

Um… no personal experience in there or anything.

Had a disappointing—or hilarious—Mother’s day? Share—because sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

Photo by Chris A

I don’t know what I want. Or I don’t know what I want that I can actually get as a gift.

I’ll settle for chocolate.

What do you want? How do you celebrate Mother’s Day?

Photo by Annette Pedrosian

I doubt I have to convince any mothers out there of this, but as we work toward finding fulfillment in motherhood, we have to learn to treat ourselves with the respect we deserve, teaching others to regard us with the same respect.

My sweet, wonderful, well-meaning husband supports our family and goes to work ten hours a day, four days a week. He comes home and often the house is a wreck, the kids and I may or may not be dressed, dinner isn’t even planned—and I know that although he respects what I do for our family, he can’t fathom what I do all day long (or, apparently, why I’m usually running low in the patience department).

The world perpetuates an image of mothers, especially stay-at-home mothers, as either lazy layabouts who use daytime television to occupy their hours or drones who have given up all hope of future earning potential, “real” careers and intelligent conversation in favor of wiping noses and bottoms in a life that is a litany of thankless chores and children.

The world would have us think that we’re not “contributing to society” if we’re not working, though apparently it doesn’t really matter whether we’re “contributing” as tattoo artists or professors of medieval literature, as long as we aren’t at home caring for our own children. And if we’re not out in the workforce, we don’t have a “real job.”

I’ll be blunt like I never have before on this blog. That thinking is a load of crap.

Do the wonderful people who earn their living caring for our children while we mothers are doing more “productive” things have “real jobs”? Do the wonderful people who donate their time, talents and efforts to volunteer causes—striving to make a difference, to improve the world—have “real jobs”?

Mothering is the most important “volunteer” opportunity I could be involved in right now. I am consecrating my time, talent and efforts to raising my children—and most days, it is grueling.

Mother’s day may seem like an odd time to point this out, since we often take this day as a day to rest from our motherly labors and let our families take care of the meals, the cleaning, and the diapers (oh! the diapers!). But really, this is the perfect time to point out all that we do, because they’ll never understand and appreciate it more, as Elder M. Russell Ballard did:

After sitting on the stand [at church] for 10 years, I was now sitting with my family on the back row.

The ward’s singing mothers’ chorus was providing the music, and I found myself sitting alone with our six children. I have never been so busy in my whole life. I had the hand puppets going on both hands, and that wasn’t working too well. The Cheerios got away from me, and that was embarrassing. The coloring books didn’t seem to entertain as well as they should.

As I struggled with the children through the meeting, I looked up at Barbara, and she was watching me and smiling. I learned for myself to more fully appreciate what all of you dear mothers do so well and so faithfully!

Mothering is not just a “real” job—it’s the most real job there is. No other profession has the influence, the reach and the eternal importance of contributing to society by raising up the next generation to be good, hard-working, righteous, moral individuals.

And you know what else? I have no idea what my husband does all day at work.

Today we’ll pick up where we left off with Elder M. Russell Ballard’s talk “Daughters of God,” about the eternal importance of motherhood. Last time, he talked about gaining appreciation for the work of motherhood and its eternal importance, finding success in motherhood, reducing pressure on ourselves and enjoying our families and receiving support from our husbands.

Today we’ll get to look at his thoughts on what children can do to show their support for their mothers. As he warned us, some of these answers are very obvious, but I’ll bet that most of our children could use the reminder. Plus, having this come from a source other than their mother is always nice reinforcement.

The third question: What can children, even young children, do? Now, you children, please listen to me because there are some simple things you can do to help your mother.

You can pick up your toys when you are finished playing with them, and when you get a little older, you can make your bed, help with the dishes, and do other chores—without being asked.

You can say thank you more often when you finish a nice meal, when a story is read to you at bedtime, or when clean clothes are put in your drawers.

Most of all, you can put your arms around your mother often and tell her you love her.

And that moment, especially when it comes unbidden and at a time when our children might not know that we need it, is one of the simple joys of motherhood.

Elder Ballard’s final question is what our church can do for mothers. I figure that most of my readers aren’t actually members of our church, but if you’re interested in his answer, feel free to read the conclusion of his talk, “Daughters of God.”

Today we’ll pick up where we left off with Elder M. Russell Ballard’s talk “Daughters of God,” about the eternal importance of motherhood. Last time, he talked about gaining appreciation for the work of motherhood and its eternal importance, finding success in motherhood and reducing pressure on ourselves and enjoying our families.

Today we’ll look at what husbands can do to better support their wives. Sadly, these answers are not as extensive as the answers to the previous question, but they’re still invaluable.

The second question: What more can a husband do to support his wife, the mother of their children?

I know you’re all looking forward to these answers perhaps even moreso than you did the answers to his last question. (And you’re probably thinking, Couldn’t you have done this before Mother’s Day?)

First, show extra appreciation and give more validation for what your wife does every day. Notice things and say thank you—often. Schedule some evenings together, just the two of you.

Date night! Date night! And no, watching television together after the kids go to bed doesn’t count.

Second, have a regular time to talk with your wife about each child’s needs and what you can do to help.

This shows us that you notice things happening in our family and specifically the problems and needs each of our children have. It shows us that we’re not the only ones who see and care about our children. It shows us that you take your role as a father, an equal partner in raising our children, seriously. We like it .

Third, give your wife a “day away” now and then. Just take over the household and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. Taking over for a while will greatly enhance your appreciation of what your wife does. You may do a lot of lifting, twisting, and bending!

Couldn’t say it better!

Fourth, come home from work and take an active role with your family. Don’t put work, friends, or sports ahead of listening to, playing with, and teaching your children.

I remember an old column by advice columnist Carolyn Hax where, essentially, a man wrote in asking how to help his wife or girlfriend understand why he needed to go to a bar after work for a couple hours to decompress or escape before coming home. Naturally, his SO felt neglected and like he was trying to escape from their family. Carolyn basically asked him what was so terrible at home that he couldn’t stand to go there straight after work (and this underlying issue was what really needed to be addressed). This is how it can make us feel if you consistently put these other activities ahead of us.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a job, friends or other interests. But it does mean your family deserves at least the same amount of demonstrated attention and devotion that your other interests receive.

Doing these four things really isn’t asking much of husbands (I think). But they can mean a lot to us as wives and mothers. Any other suggestions?

Next time: What can our kids do?

Today we’ll pick up where we left off with Elder M. Russell Ballard’s talk “Daughters of God,” about the eternal importance of motherhood. Last time, he talked about gaining appreciation for the work of motherhood and its eternal importance and finding success in motherhood. Today, we’ll look at his thoughts on reducing pressure on ourselves and enjoying our families. We’ll overlap just a little with yesterday’s thoughts:

As a Church, we have enormous respect and gratitude to you mothers of young children. We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve. So today, let me ask and briefly answer four questions. While my answers may seem extremely simple, if the simple things are being tended to, a mother’s life can be most rewarding.

I’m very encouraged by the thought he ends with in this paragraph. So often when I think, talk and blog about fulfillment in motherhood, it seems like such a large, daunting, nebulous concept that I may not ever find it myself, let alone find myself adequate to help others.

But if we focus on the simple things, make sure we have a few basics, how much better and easier might our lives be? Let’s take a look at the first of his basic questions, which has several answers of its own:

The first question: What can you do, as a young mother, to reduce the pressure and enjoy your family more?

First, recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.

We talked about this a bit last time, when we recognized that motherhood isn’t easy—but that those little moments really do stand out and can make such a difference in a day.

Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).

I’ve talked about this several times, probably best for another GWP entry, Motherhood isn’t, where I concluded: “Motherhood is not, at its heart, about doing. Motherhood is about being. Because motherhood isn’t just something you do; it’s who you are.” Apparently, I’m in good company!

Second, don’t overschedule yourselves or your children. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows. One mother told me of a time that her children had 29 scheduled commitments every week: music lessons, Scouts, dance, Little League, day camps, soccer, art, and so forth. She felt like a taxi driver. Finally, she called a family meeting and announced, “Something has to go; we have no time to ourselves and no time for each other.” Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together.

One of these opportunities for unstructured (or semistructured) time together is a program we have in the church called Family Home Evening. Monday nights, families gather for a lesson and activities. (We’re not the best at doing this.)

Another wonderful opportunity for this time together is meal time. If you don’t eat together at least once or twice a week, I’d recommend taking a look at your schedules like the mom Elder Ballard mentions. Growing up, my family had a set time for dinner and just about every night of the week, all four daughters and both parents were there (and at various times we had Girl Scouts, dance, church youth group, church children’s group, soccer, piano lessons, violin lessons, orchestra . . . you get the idea).

Why is this time so great? If you can’t cook, don’t worry—it’s not about the food. It’s about spending time with one another, finding out what’s going on in one another’s lives, showing interest, support and love for one another.

If conversation doesn’t come easily, I suggest one of my family’s institutions (which I think began when we were sullen teenagers . We went around the table and each person in the family shared one good thing that had happened to them that day. If absolutely nothing good happened, they could share one bad thing.

(In our family, these things were answered with specific, set cheers from the rest of the family: “Good for you!”, “Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha, oh boy, oh boy”, “Better than crackers”, and a cheerleading-style clap-clap-number 1! Totally awesome things got all four in succession.)

Anyway.

Third, even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children. Avoid any kind of substance abuse, mistakenly thinking that it will help you accomplish more. And don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet. Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it.

Oh. Crap. Surfing the Internet. Tell me reading and commenting on MamaBlogga (and me commenting on your blogs!) replenishes your well. Please? (But SOOO guilty on that count!)

Fourth, pray, study, and teach the gospel. Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother. Parents can offer a unique and wonderful kind of prayer because they are praying to the Eternal Parent of us all. There is great power in a prayer that essentially says, “We are steward-parents over Thy children, Father; please help us to raise them as Thou wouldst want them raised.”

Another strength that I find in religious devotion is some of the doctrines that we’ve already talked about in this series: that motherhood is a vital part of God’s eternal plan for our happiness.

Next time: What can a husband do to support his wife, the mother of his children? (Now I know you’re waiting with bated breath!)