MamaBlogga

I think we all have one: one of those uncles who delights in teasing and tormenting us. Well, with our fabulous family reunion last weekend, that uncle was at my house. Thankfully, the reunion coincided with the worst week for naps in the history of this house (grumpy kids who don’t take naps, won’t go to bed, and wake up two hours earlier than normal + 22 extra family members = fuuuun!)

I put Rebecca back to bed Saturday night after 10. Although she’d gone to sleep fairly quickly (after only 6 or 7 minutes of hysterical screaming) at the church during our family talent show, when we woke her to bring her home, she decided she’d rather stay awake. The two new teeth coming through don’t help. So despite repeated attempts at nursing her to sleep, she screamed for about half an hour.

My uncle who likes to torment me looked at me—probably drawn and exasperated—and says, “We all think you’re a terrible mother.”

And I smiled.

Because that’s exactly what most mothers think when their baby is bawling inconsolably. It’s the kind of recriminating self-talk that most mothers beat themselves up with. If I were a better mother, she wouldn’t be crying.

But to hear that same idea from my uncle, from whom I can’t take anything seriously, who I knew was just teasing me, made me realize just how silly that kind of self-talk sounds.

So thanks, Uncle Paul. I think.

Have you ever heard your own thoughts spoken by someone else—and realized how silly they sounded? How else have you analyzed your self-talk?

Rebecca, unfortunately, seems to be pathologically incapable of sleeping on her back. No matter how many times I read the SIDS studies to her, it just doesn’t seem to sink in. So, to keep the family peace, we let her sleep on her tummy.

However, sometimes she’s not quite content to just peacefully slip into dreamland. Instead, she squirms into a bit of a frenzy—especially when, as has happened a lot more frequently lately, her squirming rolls her onto her side or, heaven forbid, onto her back.

This is her cue to scream bloody murder.

Finally I realized what the problem is. My sweet little girl rolls onto her back and gets upset because she can’t get back to her comfortable sleep position.

She is, in fact, a turtle.

In case it’s been a while since you’ve been there, sleep is a pretty hot topic for new moms. Okay, it’s a pretty hot topic for all moms, but it’s especially dear to the heart of ones who are waking up two, three or seven times a night. (And as a note, that was me waking up seven times a night with Hayden when he was a year old. Thankfully, he sleeps through the night now.)

There is a good reason why this topic is so important to mothers who can’t get any sleep: we are programmed with an innate need for a minimum amount of sleep. As any new mom can tell you, go without sleep long enough and you can actually go insane.

But losing sleep isn’t the only thing that can drive you crazy—when Hayden was little, it was just the thought that I would be passing another interrupted night of little sleep that could induce a near-anxiety attack at bedtime.

As I’ve mentioned before (a long time ago), there are several different schools of thought when it comes to issues like baby’s sleep. One school of thought is that you have to let the baby grow out of it naturally—letting a baby cry is cruel and damaging to their little psyche, so suck it up and deal with it. After all, we did sign up for this when we decided to have a baby.

I agree—a little. We did sign up for this when we decided to have a baby. At the same time, I do still consider my sleep a physical need, not a luxury, especially when I have to manage to be patient with a two-year-old during the day.

But as we have children, we do have to drastically alter our expectations of ourselves. When I had Hayden, I basically had to relearn how to get everything done. Now, I am again relearning how to do everything while juggling two kids who both want my attention and managing to keep the house livable (not clean, just not bad enough to get me sent to jail) and everyone else fed.

On the other hand, as parents it is our duty to teach our children to be capable, responsible, independent people. Part of this is learning to sleep. That’s right, learning to sleep. As any new mother can attest, sleeping is a learned skill that babies haven’t learned yet. Yes, we all have an inborn ability to sleep, but falling asleep and staying that way isn’t easy. Just ask Rebecca—it can take her up to six hours.

So we’re still working on learning this skill, but I still believe that it’s important to help a baby learn to sleep—and sleep through the night (after a certain point, of course). It’s not because I’m insensitive or I expect to get back to “normal” ASAP—it’s because it’s what will be best for all of us, now and in the long run.

Today is Rebecca’s monthiversary! Hooray! We’ve made it through month one—just another month or two through the hardest adjustment period, and we’re doing okay so far!

One thing that’s been a bit tough: Rebecca decided that that “fussy” period that most infants are supposed to have in the late afternoon/evening wouldn’t work for her. She rescheduled for for midnight to 1:30 AM. Ryan and I suffered.

Finally, we decided that one of us should get some sleep, and since I get to sleep in more than he does, I gave Ryan the first turn. He went to bed and I stayed up with Rebecca in case she cried as she had the last four nights.

And she slept absolutely, perfectly soundly through until I went to bed at 12:30.

Last night, for Ryan’s turn, he brought her in at 10:30, just as I was finishing getting ready for bed. She ate, she was fine, she was quiet.

And then we turned off the lights.

Can a one-month-old be afraid of the dark? Because that is apparently what sets her off—being in the dark. Once she finally settles down and goes to sleep, she’s okay, but until then, she’s freaked out.

Maybe I should start putting her in a dark room for one or two of her naps during the day time. Any other ideas?

Carrie Lauth is a mother of four and hosts a podcast at Natural Moms Talk Radio and blogs at Blah, Blah, Blog.

Our culture seems to have an obsession with new parents getting their baby to sleep through the night right away. There are countless books on the bookstore shelves that promise to help parents solve their child’s sleep “problems” and ensure that they get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. Can I be blunt and say that this mentality sometimes works my nerves?

I’m of the mind that there is no law that states that anyone deserves a full night’s sleep if someone else needs them.

Think of all the people who willingly forgo uninterrupted sleep. For instance: Ministers, Obstetricians and Midwives, Firefighters, EMTs and ER staff accept that they will be getting up in the middle of sleep to help people.

I remember talking with a older friend of mine, whose daughter was my age, about this topic. She told me, in a nutshell:

A full night’s sleep ends when you become a parent. It’s not just when they’re little either. Even after the baby stage, there was sickness, nightmares, asthma, the teen years (waiting up for them to get home from parties, concerts, etc.). Then there was worrying about their marriages (Are they happy? Is my new son-in-law treating our daughter well? Do they have enough money?), worrying about your grandkids, etc. . . .

I thought that was such an interesting and telling statement. So here’s my take on it:

If someone needs me, am I entitled to uninterrupted sleep?

What if my best friend calls crying in the middle of the night? Most of us bolt upright if the phone rings when we’re in bed. Do we let our friends “cry it out” alone?

Why are babies, whose pain is so primal that it can sink deep into their muscles, bones, and nervous system, any different?

A baby who cries for mommy in the night just wants to be near his most favorite person in the world, asleep or awake. Why are many people against that?

I’m not going to say that sleep deprivation is easy to endure. I’m the first person to admit that my behavior can change when I haven’t had enough sleep. But as I see it, the problem is not so much that you aren’t getting enough rest, the problem is what you (and what the world) expect of yourself when you are awake!

If you have one baby or toddler and you expect for your house to be as clean as it was B.C. (before children), you’re expecting too much.

If you have more than one, then you really expect too much of yourself. Keeping everyone a) alive b) fed c) clean and d) dry is a full time occupation in itself.

Do yourself a favor. Adjust the pace of life and adjust the burden you place on yourself. If you’re sleep deprived and caring for a new baby, focus on these basic things:

Feed yourself
Feed the baby

and if you can, then go on to:

Clean yourself
Clean the baby

Only then should you tackle:

Clean the house
Shopping, errands etc

If you’re learning how to breastfeed your newborn, then do that. Don’t worry for now about being Martha Stewart. If anyone complains, don’t invite them back to your house. If your husband complains, hand him the baby, remind him that men can lactate, and ask if he wants to take over the job.

When your baby is young and he’s your first, you can (and you should) nap with him during the day. Learn how to breastfeed lying down and get some rest that way. Even if you don’t fall asleep you’ll still feel better for it.

If you have a crawling baby or older toddler, this tip has worked for some moms. Totally childproof one room in the house. Lay on the floor and provide the little one with a couple of toys, and close your eyes. It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel with 5 minutes of shut eye. Even better, enjoy that afternoon nap with your child. He’ll sleep better and longer if you nap together. You might even be able to slip away after 20 minutes. Resist the urge to do housework when your child is sleeping—that’s your recharge time!

If you’re an employed mom then you need to get creative. Go to bed at 8 p.m. with the baby. If you’re up at 6 then you’ve gotten 10 hours of rest, total, even if it’s interrupted. Be sure to take naps on the weekends. Nap at work and see if anyone notices. (Just kidding!)

Be flexible with your sleeping arrangements. It was a wise person who said that the best place for babies to sleep is the place where everyone involved gets the most rest.

It also helps to keep a positive outlook. Attitude is everything, as they say. I remember going to concerts B.C. (before children) and not getting home until 2 or 3. I would drag myself around the next day, but it was worth it. Having a good attitude about sleep means that the effects of being tired won’t be so overwhelming.

In her book The Continuum Concept, Jean Leidloff spoke about the Yequana Indians. In their culture, humor is valued more than sleep. The men sleep communally around a fire, and if one wakes up and remembers a good joke, he wakes up the others and tells them the joke. They all have a good laugh then go back to sleep. I wonder what life would be like in our world if we felt the same way?

These moments, even the sleepless ones, with a young baby to cuddle will be over so very fast!

So the nap transition hasn’t gone well since that first day. Wednesday, Hayden was sick, and spent six hours sleeping during the day and went to bed early—but that much sleep meant he wouldn’t go to bed until after 11 PM Thursday night, and you can forget about a nap.

Tuesday, Thursday and Wednesday, Hayden was much less enthused about sitting in his bed looking at books. It was less like “quiet time” and more like “scream at mom for two hours.” For some strange reason, this is incredibly stressful for me(twenty-eight exclamation points and several ones). The whole point is for me to have a break (lie: the whole point is for me to work, which makes this even more stressful), and I’m just not getting it.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant, and I really don’t think my blood pressure can handle much more of this. I can hardly do this now; I don’t know how I’ll make it with a new baby and next-to-no sleep (let alone time for myself).