Awhile back I was doing some research on the importance of sleep–which frankly, as a mother of three, amounts to self-preaching to the choir– and I came across this horrifying little factoid: new babies cause their parents to lose 400-750 hours of sleep in the first year alone. 400-750 hours — whoa. That’s a lot of hours.

My initial reaction was, how does our freakin’ species survive? I mean, if you’re constantly up at night with a fussy baby, you yourself could end up being that child’s worst choking hazard. (Ha ha! I’m joking here! Mostly.) Not to mention the fact that being sleep-deprived messes with your judgment, your health, and your memory, none of which is a plus for your parenting skills.

As if that weren’t disturbing enough, a new study suggests that when you’re sleep-deprived (if you’re a rat, at least), portions of your brain actually shut down even when the rest of you is awake. You think you’re fully functional, but no, you’re actually a zombie. (If you have kids I bet you’re nodding your head right now and thinking, “Yup, that explains a lot. I really need to get the **** more sleep.”)

I’m puzzled about why human babies are so hard on their parents; being constantly sleep-deprived by our young doesn’t seem to me to be an evolutionary advantage. (There have also been times–three times in particular–where the process of human childbirth has struck me as severely suboptimal.) If we were living in a historic period where we had to survive by our wits, most of today’s parents would be toast. We’d be less likely to take down a wooly mammoth, for example, and more likely to find ourselves oozing up between its toes. Luckily, in the modern world we don’t need to be that alert. Mostly we’re just doing stuff like typing on computers, checking our email, operating heavy machinery, driving… oh, wait.

Did I mention the study that suggests that being even moderately sleep deprived is like having a blood alcohol level of 0.05%? It’s ironic that parents spend so much time choosing safe cars and highly-rated car seats, and then essentially drive around impaired. It’s just not good to drive when you’re exhausted. You have the situational awareness of a cantaloupe.

Somehow, the very kids we’re trying to protect are making it harder for us to do so. Perhaps something has gone horribly wrong in either our species or our child-rearing strategies, I don’t know . I do know that, for our safety and sanity, today’s parents need to get more sleep. Sleep must be placed in the same category as eating and peeing: non-negotiable. If you can’t get enough at night–and I’m betting many of you can’t–then it’s good to get a little during the day. (OK, you can stop saying “That’s what SHE said” and snickering.)

The problem is that this is easier said than done, especially when you’re a new parent. For example, no matter what anyone says, you can’t necessarily “nap when the baby naps,” because babies have apparently evolved to prefer napping when their parents are awake. If you do manage to surreptitiously fall asleep when your baby is napping and he doesn’t promptly wake up, you can be certain that FedEx will choose this moment to deliver a package or someone will fire up a leafblower outside your window. Modern life is rife with interruptions and noise.

There’s also the fact that the whole nap-when-the-baby-naps strategy falls apart if you also have older kids to take care of. While you and your baby are enjoying the miracle of REM, the older children will be experimenting with the Cuisinart or licking the wall outlets.

Clearly, achieving a nap can be a tricky proposition. If you’re able to hire a babysitter for an hour or two so that you can nap, do it. Or swap naptimes with a friend. If your kids are a little older, let them watch TV while you sleep. I know, I know, TV is evil and you vowed to curb it mightily–but maybe you’ll let yourself off the hook if you remember that your napping makes them safer. If you’re at work you’re probably hosed, but maybe you have the kind of job where you can put your head down for half an hour and no-one will notice (note to air traffic controllers: someone will notice). And if you’re tired but can’t possibly find a way to nap, I’m so sorry. I know how much that sucks.

Whether you have a new baby or are still trying to drag yourself out of the sleep-deficit hole left by earlier babies, take naps whenever possible and start making up some of those lost hours. There’s almost nothing else you could do in a half hour a day that would be better for your parenting, your safety, or your sanity. In today’s world, it may even be a biological imperative.

About the author
Jennifer Eyre White is the author of The Practical Napper: Tips, Facts, and Quotes for the Avidly Recumbent, a wee little gift book written for those who believe the phrase “good nap” is redundant. You can find her online at www.ThePracticalNapper.com and www.HavingThreeKids.com.

I put Rebecca back to bed Saturday night after 10. Although she’d gone to sleep fairly quickly (after only 6 or 7 minutes of hysterical screaming) at the church during our family talent show, when we woke her to bring her home, she decided she’d rather stay awake. The two new teeth coming through don’t help. So despite repeated attempts at nursing her to sleep, she screamed for about half an hour.

My uncle who likes to torment me looked at me—probably drawn and exasperated—and says, “We all think you’re a terrible mother.”

And I smiled.

Because that’s exactly what most mothers think when their baby is bawling inconsolably. It’s the kind of recriminating self-talk that most mothers beat themselves up with. If I were a better mother, she wouldn’t be crying.

But to hear that same idea from my uncle, from whom I can’t take anything seriously, who I knew was just teasing me, made me realize just how silly that kind of self-talk sounds.

So thanks, Uncle Paul. I think.

Have you ever heard your own thoughts spoken by someone else—and realized how silly they sounded? How else have you analyzed your self-talk?

However, sometimes she’s not quite content to just peacefully slip into dreamland. Instead, she squirms into a bit of a frenzy—especially when, as has happened a lot more frequently lately, her squirming rolls her onto her side or, heaven forbid, onto her back.

This is her cue to scream bloody murder.

Finally I realized what the problem is. My sweet little girl rolls onto her back and gets upset because she can’t get back to her comfortable sleep position.

She is, in fact, a turtle.

There is a good reason why this topic is so important to mothers who can’t get any sleep: we are programmed with an innate need for a minimum amount of sleep. As any new mom can tell you, go without sleep long enough and you can actually go insane.

But losing sleep isn’t the only thing that can drive you crazy—when Hayden was little, it was just the thought that I would be passing another interrupted night of little sleep that could induce a near-anxiety attack at bedtime.

As I’ve mentioned before (a long time ago), there are several different schools of thought when it comes to issues like baby’s sleep. One school of thought is that you have to let the baby grow out of it naturally—letting a baby cry is cruel and damaging to their little psyche, so suck it up and deal with it. After all, we did sign up for this when we decided to have a baby.

I agree—a little. We did sign up for this when we decided to have a baby. At the same time, I do still consider my sleep a physical need, not a luxury, especially when I have to manage to be patient with a two-year-old during the day.

But as we have children, we do have to drastically alter our expectations of ourselves. When I had Hayden, I basically had to relearn how to get everything done. Now, I am again relearning how to do everything while juggling two kids who both want my attention and managing to keep the house livable (not clean, just not bad enough to get me sent to jail) and everyone else fed.

On the other hand, as parents it is our duty to teach our children to be capable, responsible, independent people. Part of this is learning to sleep. That’s right, learning to sleep. As any new mother can attest, sleeping is a learned skill that babies haven’t learned yet. Yes, we all have an inborn ability to sleep, but falling asleep and staying that way isn’t easy. Just ask Rebecca—it can take her up to six hours.

So we’re still working on learning this skill, but I still believe that it’s important to help a baby learn to sleep—and sleep through the night (after a certain point, of course). It’s not because I’m insensitive or I expect to get back to “normal” ASAP—it’s because it’s what will be best for all of us, now and in the long run.

One thing that’s been a bit tough: Rebecca decided that that “fussy” period that most infants are supposed to have in the late afternoon/evening wouldn’t work for her. She rescheduled for for midnight to 1:30 AM. Ryan and I suffered.

Finally, we decided that one of us should get some sleep, and since I get to sleep in more than he does, I gave Ryan the first turn. He went to bed and I stayed up with Rebecca in case she cried as she had the last four nights.

And she slept absolutely, perfectly soundly through until I went to bed at 12:30.

Last night, for Ryan’s turn, he brought her in at 10:30, just as I was finishing getting ready for bed. She ate, she was fine, she was quiet.

And then we turned off the lights.

Can a one-month-old be afraid of the dark? Because that is apparently what sets her off—being in the dark. Once she finally settles down and goes to sleep, she’s okay, but until then, she’s freaked out.

Maybe I should start putting her in a dark room for one or two of her naps during the day time. Any other ideas?

Our culture seems to have an obsession with new parents getting their baby to sleep through the night right away. There are countless books on the bookstore shelves that promise to help parents solve their child’s sleep “problems” and ensure that they get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. Can I be blunt and say that this mentality sometimes works my nerves?

I’m of the mind that there is no law that states that anyone deserves a full night’s sleep if someone else needs them.

Think of all the people who willingly forgo uninterrupted sleep. For instance: Ministers, Obstetricians and Midwives, Firefighters, EMTs and ER staff accept that they will be getting up in the middle of sleep to help people.

I remember talking with a older friend of mine, whose daughter was my age, about this topic. She told me, in a nutshell:

A full night’s sleep ends when you become a parent. It’s not just when they’re little either. Even after the baby stage, there was sickness, nightmares, asthma, the teen years (waiting up for them to get home from parties, concerts, etc.). Then there was worrying about their marriages (Are they happy? Is my new son-in-law treating our daughter well? Do they have enough money?), worrying about your grandkids, etc. . . .

I thought that was such an interesting and telling statement. So here’s my take on it:

If someone needs me, am I entitled to uninterrupted sleep?

What if my best friend calls crying in the middle of the night? Most of us bolt upright if the phone rings when we’re in bed. Do we let our friends “cry it out” alone?

Why are babies, whose pain is so primal that it can sink deep into their muscles, bones, and nervous system, any different?

A baby who cries for mommy in the night just wants to be near his most favorite person in the world, asleep or awake. Why are many people against that?

I’m not going to say that sleep deprivation is easy to endure. I’m the first person to admit that my behavior can change when I haven’t had enough sleep. But as I see it, the problem is not so much that you aren’t getting enough rest, the problem is what you (and what the world) expect of yourself when you are awake!

If you have one baby or toddler and you expect for your house to be as clean as it was B.C. (before children), you’re expecting too much.

If you have more than one, then you really expect too much of yourself. Keeping everyone a) alive b) fed c) clean and d) dry is a full time occupation in itself.

Do yourself a favor. Adjust the pace of life and adjust the burden you place on yourself. If you’re sleep deprived and caring for a new baby, focus on these basic things:

Feed yourself
Feed the baby

and if you can, then go on to:

Clean yourself
Clean the baby

Only then should you tackle:

Clean the house
Shopping, errands etc

If you’re learning how to breastfeed your newborn, then do that. Don’t worry for now about being Martha Stewart. If anyone complains, don’t invite them back to your house. If your husband complains, hand him the baby, remind him that men can lactate, and ask if he wants to take over the job.

When your baby is young and he’s your first, you can (and you should) nap with him during the day. Learn how to breastfeed lying down and get some rest that way. Even if you don’t fall asleep you’ll still feel better for it.

If you have a crawling baby or older toddler, this tip has worked for some moms. Totally childproof one room in the house. Lay on the floor and provide the little one with a couple of toys, and close your eyes. It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel with 5 minutes of shut eye. Even better, enjoy that afternoon nap with your child. He’ll sleep better and longer if you nap together. You might even be able to slip away after 20 minutes. Resist the urge to do housework when your child is sleeping—that’s your recharge time!

If you’re an employed mom then you need to get creative. Go to bed at 8 p.m. with the baby. If you’re up at 6 then you’ve gotten 10 hours of rest, total, even if it’s interrupted. Be sure to take naps on the weekends. Nap at work and see if anyone notices. (Just kidding!)

Be flexible with your sleeping arrangements. It was a wise person who said that the best place for babies to sleep is the place where everyone involved gets the most rest.

It also helps to keep a positive outlook. Attitude is everything, as they say. I remember going to concerts B.C. (before children) and not getting home until 2 or 3. I would drag myself around the next day, but it was worth it. Having a good attitude about sleep means that the effects of being tired won’t be so overwhelming.

In her book The Continuum Concept, Jean Leidloff spoke about the Yequana Indians. In their culture, humor is valued more than sleep. The men sleep communally around a fire, and if one wakes up and remembers a good joke, he wakes up the others and tells them the joke. They all have a good laugh then go back to sleep. I wonder what life would be like in our world if we felt the same way?

These moments, even the sleepless ones, with a young baby to cuddle will be over so very fast!

Tuesday, Thursday and Wednesday, Hayden was much less enthused about sitting in his bed looking at books. It was less like “quiet time” and more like “scream at mom for two hours.” For some strange reason, this is incredibly stressful for me(twenty-eight exclamation points and several ones). The whole point is for me to have a break (lie: the whole point is for me to work, which makes this even more stressful), and I’m just not getting it.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant, and I really don’t think my blood pressure can handle much more of this. I can hardly do this now; I don’t know how I’ll make it with a new baby and next-to-no sleep (let alone time for myself).

And, most unfortunately, it’s beginning to look like he wants to go from 1 to no naps. I refuse to believe that a boy of 2 years and 4 months (today) gets enough sleep by sleeping 12 hours at night and none during the day. And, indeed, he’s often quite grumpy and more difficult to put to bed at night when he hasn’t had a nap.

But after several letting him sit in his dark room for hours while he refused to sleep with increasing frequency, I finally gave up. Last Thursday, there was no mention of napping in our house. No move toward the bedroom. No screaming and thrashing to avoid a nap. Friday, same deal.

Granted, this wasn’t a great thing, since mostly this involved him watching television instead. And, also me freaking out because I just mentally can’t handle the idea of not having a break (and by “break” I mean mostly time to work) during the day.

I have a deep need for a certain amount of silence and time alone on a daily basis. The prospect of not getting this—plus no time to work at my job, let alone the little pet projects that keep me sane and happy—was enough to bring me to tears.

And then . . . Saturday, he was rubbing his eyes and yawning in the afternoon. Sunday, he threw a fit in the afternoon. We put him to bed and he fell asleep.

And I knew I needed to institute a “quiet time” for Hayden.

So today, I put him in his bed and told him he didn’t have to take a nap. Rather than crying and trashing, Hayden seemed to think this was fun. I brought him some books to look at and left the light on, but closed the door most of the way and turned on the fan.

I had to go back to help him twice over the next hour—once because he’d dropped a book and the second time because he wanted new books. Let me say that again: he wanted new books. Not to get out. I brought him more books and he was mostly quiet for an hour.

And when I went to check on him, he’d tossed all of his books, his pillow, his blanket and his two stuffed animals out—and was fast asleep.

I know it’s too early to draw a definite conclusion, but maybe I was pushing him too hard. (Knock on wood!)

Without further lamenting my sleepless night (oh, how nice it is to put that as a singular noun!), I give you some of my best bedtime routine tips:

• If it’s upsetting and not vital, drop it. We used to read to Hayden every night. He loved it. He loved it so much that when I put the book away, he threw a fit. We had to stop reading before bedtime.
• If it’s upsetting and vital, get it over with early in the routine. When we’re perfect parents and don’t schedule Hayden’s bedtime according to his whininess and our patience, we’ll take Hayden to his room for his beloved stories. He’s still a little upset when we put the books away, but he’s excited to be getting into his bath (or just be nakey), so he gets over it quickly.
• Use both parents. Yeah, it’s a little annoying sometimes that one of us doesn’t get to have 15-20 minutes “off,” but Ryan and I share bedtime responsibilities. And you know what? That means that on given day, either of us can put him to bed alone if we have to.
• Conditioning (manipulation). As sad as I am to say it, I am amazed at how well blatant manipulation works. My favorite examples follow.
• Praise. Be effusive with praise when he does something desirable. He folds his arms and closes his eyes all through the prayer? We’re the happiest parents ever.
• Jealousy. Haydie doesn’t want to go to bed. Maybe someone else does. I hand Marty (Hayden’s stuffed monkey/security object) to Daddy. I wrap Daddy up in a blanket. At about this point, Hayden becomes very jealous—and a bit upset. He points to Marty and then to himself. “Oh!” I usually say. “Do you want Marty?” And then he’s happy to take his monkey, be wrapped in his blanket.
• Fun. Hayden used to be very upset by turning off the light—now bed is imminent. So we made turning the light off into a game. We have a dimmer switch in his room that must be pushed to turn off/on. So I used his head to turn off the light—”Bonk!”
• Play to your audience. When that got old, we played on one of Hayden’s favorite things to do—blow out candles. So we said he could blow out the light. In the midst of his tears, he would giggle and blow toward the light. (Credit must be given to his well-reflexed Daddy here for getting the timing right almost every time.)
• Be flexible. Not everything we’ve tried has worked. Not everything that works continues to work. We’ve tried to stay very flexible about many aspects of his bedtime routine—we watch him for cues that he’s ready and adjust the starting time and length accordingly.

Of course (and obviously), it doesn’t always work out perfectly, but these tips (and our long-established toddler bedtime routine) have made for a child who goes to bed without crying and sleeps through the night.

(I should probably mention the books that really helped me with establishing a bedtime routine: Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West (with Joanne Kenen) and The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Some of these tips may be lessons from these books that I’ve learned so well that I’ve forgotten where they came from!)

What are your favorite bedtime tips? Share in the comments!

Now, we’ve also made a nine hour car trip out to visit my parents for a while (sans Daddy, who headed back home. Stupid day job.). Naturally, Hayden has had to deal with all manner of sleep disruptions lately, not the least of which is adjusting to sleeping in two completely different cribs in two completely different environments. Thank heavens for Marty!

Some nights have been better than others. Tuesday night, Hayden went to sleep just fine, but awoke crying two or three times. The second time, only minutes after I thought I’d settled him down, I went back to snuggle and rock him for a little while longer.

In the dim light, I couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or shut as he lay peacefully in my arms. I stroked his hair to help comfort him and whispered “sweet mommy nothings” to him to let him know I was there and I cared.

I guess he was more awake than he let on. As I held him, marveling over how small and cuddly he could still sometimes be, his hands and feet moved continually. His feet pushed at the pillows next to us. His hands ran over my back and my face, as if he were checking to see if it was really Mom.

He finally gave it a rest and dropped his hand to his side for a moment. I watched his little hand continue to move, though, as he curled three fingers under to form a fist, leaving his index finger extended. He slowly moved his hand to play his favorite waking game.

Poke!

He went right back to sleep when I put him down that time.