Carrie Lauth is a mother of four and hosts a podcast at Natural Moms Talk Radio and blogs at Blah, Blah, Blog.
Our culture seems to have an obsession with new parents getting their baby to sleep through the night right away. There are countless books on the bookstore shelves that promise to help parents solve their child’s sleep “problems” and ensure that they get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. Can I be blunt and say that this mentality sometimes works my nerves?
I’m of the mind that there is no law that states that anyone deserves a full night’s sleep if someone else needs them.
Think of all the people who willingly forgo uninterrupted sleep. For instance: Ministers, Obstetricians and Midwives, Firefighters, EMTs and ER staff accept that they will be getting up in the middle of sleep to help people.
I remember talking with a older friend of mine, whose daughter was my age, about this topic. She told me, in a nutshell:
A full night’s sleep ends when you become a parent. It’s not just when they’re little either. Even after the baby stage, there was sickness, nightmares, asthma, the teen years (waiting up for them to get home from parties, concerts, etc.). Then there was worrying about their marriages (Are they happy? Is my new son-in-law treating our daughter well? Do they have enough money?), worrying about your grandkids, etc. . . .
I thought that was such an interesting and telling statement. So here’s my take on it:
If someone needs me, am I entitled to uninterrupted sleep?
What if my best friend calls crying in the middle of the night? Most of us bolt upright if the phone rings when we’re in bed. Do we let our friends “cry it out” alone?
Why are babies, whose pain is so primal that it can sink deep into their muscles, bones, and nervous system, any different?
A baby who cries for mommy in the night just wants to be near his most favorite person in the world, asleep or awake. Why are many people against that?
I’m not going to say that sleep deprivation is easy to endure. I’m the first person to admit that my behavior can change when I haven’t had enough sleep. But as I see it, the problem is not so much that you aren’t getting enough rest, the problem is what you (and what the world) expect of yourself when you are awake!
If you have one baby or toddler and you expect for your house to be as clean as it was B.C. (before children), you’re expecting too much.
If you have more than one, then you really expect too much of yourself. Keeping everyone a) alive b) fed c) clean and d) dry is a full time occupation in itself.
Do yourself a favor. Adjust the pace of life and adjust the burden you place on yourself. If you’re sleep deprived and caring for a new baby, focus on these basic things:
Feed yourself
Feed the baby
and if you can, then go on to:
Clean yourself
Clean the baby
Only then should you tackle:
Clean the house
Shopping, errands etc
If you’re learning how to breastfeed your newborn, then do that. Don’t worry for now about being Martha Stewart. If anyone complains, don’t invite them back to your house. If your husband complains, hand him the baby, remind him that men can lactate, and ask if he wants to take over the job.
When your baby is young and he’s your first, you can (and you should) nap with him during the day. Learn how to breastfeed lying down and get some rest that way. Even if you don’t fall asleep you’ll still feel better for it.
If you have a crawling baby or older toddler, this tip has worked for some moms. Totally childproof one room in the house. Lay on the floor and provide the little one with a couple of toys, and close your eyes. It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel with 5 minutes of shut eye. Even better, enjoy that afternoon nap with your child. He’ll sleep better and longer if you nap together. You might even be able to slip away after 20 minutes. Resist the urge to do housework when your child is sleeping—that’s your recharge time!
If you’re an employed mom then you need to get creative. Go to bed at 8 p.m. with the baby. If you’re up at 6 then you’ve gotten 10 hours of rest, total, even if it’s interrupted. Be sure to take naps on the weekends. Nap at work and see if anyone notices. (Just kidding!)
Be flexible with your sleeping arrangements. It was a wise person who said that the best place for babies to sleep is the place where everyone involved gets the most rest.
It also helps to keep a positive outlook. Attitude is everything, as they say. I remember going to concerts B.C. (before children) and not getting home until 2 or 3. I would drag myself around the next day, but it was worth it. Having a good attitude about sleep means that the effects of being tired won’t be so overwhelming.
In her book The Continuum Concept, Jean Leidloff spoke about the Yequana Indians. In their culture, humor is valued more than sleep. The men sleep communally around a fire, and if one wakes up and remembers a good joke, he wakes up the others and tells them the joke. They all have a good laugh then go back to sleep. I wonder what life would be like in our world if we felt the same way?
These moments, even the sleepless ones, with a young baby to cuddle will be over so very fast!