Sorry about the long silence, folks—between travel and the time-honored family travel tradition (it’s not a vacation until everyone pukes!), we’ve been a little busy.
How many times do we say what we really mean? Probably not as often as we’d like—and much of the time, that’s because we’re not really thinking about the things we say.
This is one of those words that we use all the time, but I doubt many of us think about what it means. When I catch myself using it—in two phrases in particular—I realize what I’ve said and how empty and unkind it suddenly sounds.
The word is but. In English, this conjunction signals a reversal in a sentence. We establish something in the first clause, but we’re going to say something contrary to that in the same breath.
So when I hear myself saying I love you, but . . . or I’m sorry, but . . ., especially to my children, I mentally flinch. Did I really mean to take back the first part of that sentence? Am I trying to tell them that I don’t love him as much because he hit his sister, or that I’m not really that sorry I yelled at him, since he really deserved it?
Of course not. So when I catch these phrases on their say to my lips, I stop myself. I end the sentence (and the mental paragraph) with “I love you.” Pause. Then I explain the rest of what I need to say. Because no matter what they do, I still love them, and I can still feel sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt them. My feelings for them are not predicated on their actions.
Do my kids realize this? No. They’re 3 and 1. But I want to be careful about what messages I send to my children, even now.
What do you think? What things do you find yourself wishing you didn’t say to your children?
Photo by Brittany Greene
5 replies on “I love you but . . .”
Yes, as a matter of fact, I blogged on a similar topic last night {the unlearning of behaviors and reactions as a parent that are not good}. I’m realizing that my children are learning from my words and actions with every day, every word.
I need to filter more through my brain before it comes out of my mouth. So much to learn. So much to unlearn…
Interesting observation.
I started to realize how many times we cavil with the words “yeah-but” when a Finn pointed this out to me many years ago. “yeah-but” means “no”.
@Terresa—Thankfully, this is seldom something I have to deal with when (very) angry. I doubt I could put much thought into it in that state.
@Dad—Yeah, but—translation: “I will nominally acknowledge your point, but then I will tell you why you’re wrong.”
Ooh, I hate the phrase “I’m sorry, but…”
I’m trying to stop myself from saying, “okay?” after I tell my kids something. “You need to pick up your toys and then you can have a snack. Okay?”
It’s not like I’m asking for their permission or their agreement. What I mean is “do you understand?” So I’m trying to say that more so they don’t think they have negotiation powers over what I say.
But…I’ve been trying to keep from saying that for two years and it hasn’t changed completely yet. Maybe by the time they’re teens:)
@Lindsey—Oh, I’m working on that one, too!